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All rights reserved T. Milne The Nice Guy's Field Guide To Energy Vampires by Tracey P. Milne AAHP This guide is dedicated to all the Kind Hearted Women & Men who embrace & exemplify "The Good Guy" Mentality! To the people who are always giving others the benefit of the doubt ,this book is for you. To My Personal Heroes, Jon & Fred. Thank You,for keeping my heart Full. I love you always.
IMPORTANT • This message is designed as an alternative modality for coping with negative people and a way of releasing them from your life that feels authentic to the average nice guy & gal. This guide is meant to advocate your right to Be Happy, and Free from Mind Games & People who only want to take advantage of you. If you are in danger of physical harm, protect yourself with the help of authorities who have Laws to back up their actions. If you are in serious danger of Financial Ruin, get whatever help you need today. Don't wait another day. You deserve to feel safe. The Law is on Your Side. • If you are someone who thinks that enlightenment & personal development have to be approached in a serious manner, you should probably go find another book. For the Rest of You! Enjoy.(1)
All rights reserved T. Milne Meet The Author Before we go too much further, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Tracey Milne. I'm a dedicated wife, mom,writer, artist, motivational speaker, life long Nice Guy ,accredited intuitive healer and professional psychic medium. In that respect I have been studying and successfully applying both metaphysical knowledge and alternative healing arts for over thirty years to help answer those questions that keep folks up at night. Throughout my life, I have used my skills both privately and professionally helping people from all walks of life uncover and heal the undercurrents of what's troubling their peace of mind now,while advising them on the potential opportunities that await them in their future.
As a Nice Guy and a professional psychic, I have had my fair share of run ins with Energy Vampires, and I have counselled and healed hundreds suffering from the energy drain of dealing with toxic people. This guide has been designed to share what I have learned about the cause & effects of having an Energy Vampire in our lives, and a way to break free of this draining behaviour that feels kind to the average Nice Guy , especially when you can't just walk away. I have uncovered a pattern at play that's enabled me to identify some core issues needing to be addressed before we Nice Guys can fully reclaim our vital energy .
It is important to note that the people and scenarios featured in the following pages are an amalgamation of my experiences, and do not reflect any one person. Any similarities, be they personal qualities or circumstance, are purely coincidental, and probably a good indication that you have an Energy Vampire in your midst. For the record, it is their behaviour that is objectionable, for it invites us to view our finest qualities as our greatest weaknesses and in doing so, leads us down a path of illusion designed to benefit the Vamp only! (2) All rights reserved T. Milne Introducing ; The Energy Vampire (Energious,Vampiricous, Suckicus) THE ENERGY VAMPIRE IS AN ELUSIVE CREATURE, FOUND LURKING IN HOMES, BUSINESSES , SCHOOL YARDS, SHOPPING MALLS,PLAYGROUNDS, SOCIAL GATHERINGS AND THE WORLD WIDE WEB. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE & FOUND ON EVERY CONTINENT OF OUR PLANET.
IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF TWO, YOU HAVE MORE THAN LIKELY ALREADY BEEN STRUCK BY ONE OF THESE DECEPTIVELY DRAINING PEOPLE. THEY CAMOUFLAGE WELL FROM AFAR AND THOUGH NOT ALL VAMPS ARE EXACTLY ALIKE, THEY SHARE SIMILAR, IF VARYING DEGREES OF HUNTING TECHNIQUES & PROWESS. ENERGY VAMPIRES ARE SOCIAL CREATURES. THEY LOVE TO BE WHERE THE PEOPLE ARE . THEIR FAVOURITE ENERGY DONORS ARE US, THE "NICE GUYS" OF PLANET EARTH. WE'RE DELICIOUS!
SO, WHAT ENERGY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT, AND WHY ARE THEY AFTER IT?
IT'S THE ENERGY CREATED BY OUR THOUGHTS & EMOTIONS. THAT IS WHAT THEY TREASURE MOST. FOR THESE ZONES REPRESENT A DOORWAY TO AN ENDLESS PLAYGROUND OF SABOTAGE AWAITING THEIR ENTITLED BEINGS.THAT'S HOW THEY SEE US, THE AVERAGE DONOR, ENDLESS FODDER FOR THEIR DRAMATIC NEEDS.
FOR EASY IDENTIFICATION AND TO MAKE IT MORE FUN FOR US, THE FOLLOWING HAS BEEN APPROACHED MUCH THE SAME WAY AS A FIELD GUIDE FOR BIRD WATCHER'S, ONLY WE'RE VAMP WATCHING INSTEAD. AS NICE GUYS , WE HAVE ENCOURAGED OURSELVES TO ALWAYS THINK KIND, POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND DO OUR BEST, TO LOOK FOR THE BEST IN OTHERS. THOUGH AN ADMIRABLE AND ENCOURAGED APPROACH, WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER WHEN DEALING WITH AN ENERGY VAMPIRE IS THAT AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ENERGY EXCHANGE IS NOT WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR. THIS GUIDE CAN HELP YOU SEE THEIR PATTERNS AND BREAK FREE FROM THE PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO KEEP YOU UNHAPPY ON PURPOSE.
TAKING THESE PEOPLE TOO SERIOUSLY CAN BE DETRIMENTAL TO OUR MENTAL & EMOTIONAL HEALTH. I HAVE FOUND HUMOUR TO BE ONE OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE VAMP REPELLENTS OUT THERE. SHOULD YOU DISCOVER YOU'RE CURRENTLY ON " VAMP DONOR STATUS", I HOPE THIS BOOK HELPS YOU FIND ANOTHER WAY TO APPROACH RESOLUTION AND THAT ONCE AWARE, YOU'RE BETTER ABLE TO RESIST FALLING FOR THE MIND GAMES SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAY EVER AGAIN. (3)
All rights reserved T. Milne
"THE UNDERMINERS" General Attributes of An Underminer Energy Vampire ; Calls ; your not gonna __? are you? Loud, critical, or vengeful hiss to their words. Display: Disapproval through Tone of Voice, The Silent Glare, Eye rolling ,Tisk-Tisking & Sucking air through teeth, Heavy Sighing, Forehead Slap, Eyebrow raise, Pointing Finger, Turns red when angry,excessive hand waving, invasion of personal space, spits when speaking.
Hunting Style ; The Ego Trap & The Psychic Burr, Innuendo, False Entitlement. Energy Vampires generally like to set Ego Traps through a subtle statement or judgement. They' like to pretend that they know something you don't know, and they are very good at it. Though their ploys seem quite obvious ,through the clever use of words and innuendo, it can be so easy to fall for their Ego Traps quickly by either becoming overly defensive or overly critical of yourself.
The Energy Vampire is often highly intelligent, and fairly popular, known for bursts of cruelty that seem unwarranted . However, I've also noticed they only prey upon certain types of people. Nice Guys. What follows are some tips to help you survive for when you can't choose who you will be interacting with, or simply walk away. What happens when families of opposing philosophies unite? What happens when a Nice Gal raised by Energy Vampires marries a Nice Guy, raised by other Nice Guys? Can Nice Guys really break the pattern of being on Donor status? Let's take a look at some common Vampire ploys. Hopefully, you'll never look at yourself or the people who like to suck the fun out of life the same way ever again. I have also included alternative exercises at the end of each chapter for your personal ease.
Lets get started with a few examples of Energy Vampires that you can really sink your teeth into (pun intended) to get a better idea of just how subtle their warfare can be, and how to turn things around once you've fallen into "Donor Status". Enjoy! (4) All rights reserved T. Milne
The Wedding of Kate & Mike Chapter 1: When Vamp's Have A Say. Emotional Warfare & The Underminer Majors Meeting the family of an adult acquaintance or co-worker is always an eye opening experience . In the time it takes to have brunch, a lot can be revealed about someone you may have only known in a professional environment . In many societies, we are taught to be polite & respectful to our elders before we start kindergarden. So it is always a multi layered experience each time one gets invited to meet the parents of a co-worker or adult friend for the first time. Encounters with other people's loved ones, can give us deeper insight into where this person has come from, and how it might contribute to who they are now, or we are left more mystified than ever, as if they were hatched from an egg. Often the shared experience of surviving family together can lead to a friendship that grows beyond just work buddies, or they ensure that you never want to hang out on a personal level, ever again. Kate was one of those girls who looked like a real life version of Tinker Bell. Curvy and petite, with a shot of pixie like charm to go with her shot of short blond hair. Kate had a reputation for being the most kind hearted hard working, approachable, competent and beloved manager at the company she worked for, and one of the best friends a girl could ask for. She had a way of helping people to stay upbeat, so they could stay productive. She had a sweetness about her that never felt put on, or for show. Kate was a genuine Nice Guy, and people responded to it. So I was honoured when she asked me to be in her wedding party.I happily accepted and circled the next Saturday on my calendar for our first official Wedding Get Together , A Bride's Maid Brunch the following weekend, while the boys arranged for a round of Groomsmen's Golf. What would follow was to open my eyes to a whole new world of sucky behaviour, and I was reminded through this experience, that it is always our responsibility to stay vigilant in what we will and will not believe about ourselves. For there are those in this world who delight in tearing people down & highlighting the perceived flaws of others. As you will see in the following story, there are all kinds of ways to undermine someone, and often it is the relationship to the Energy Vamp that determines how long we keep them in our lives and draining us on a regular basis. It can be challenging for Nice Guys to draw healthy boundaries especially when the Vamp is Kin. (5) All rights reserved T. Milne The Underminer Majors Call: "Do as I say & You're not going to ____ are you?" Scent: Disapproval, Disappointment & Vinegar Habitat: Homes, often "impossible to please" parents. Hunting Techniques ; Psychic Burr causing chronic thoughts, that undermine our ability to believe in ourselves. Impossible list of standards for their approval. Guilt trips are a favoured technique by many, as well as interruption, domination and corporal punishment as a consequence when the child is young. Strict to the nth degree. Hard to be a nice guy child of a set of parents like this.
"Follow that cat!" It was a beautiful, bright sunny day when all the girls gathered in the kitchen of Kate & Mike's new home. There would be three bride's maids including myself, one maid of honour,two flower girls and one ring barer (and a partridge in a pear tree). Silver and Gold would be our bridesmaid colours. Kate beamed as she took us on a grand tour of the place, telling us about all of the purchases she and Mike had made together so far. " It's been amazing" Kate said finishing off our tour by bouncing back into the kitchen," like one great big treasure hunt that we're in on together." She was so happy, and Mike was such a great guy that the rest of us were all grinning like fools too, as we toasted The Bride to be. Then Kate's smile faded as she said quietly, "I hope my folks like the house. They haven't seen it yet. Did I mention? They'll be dropping by soon to meet all of you." Then, drinking her entire glass of wine in one fell swoop, Kate let out a half hearted laugh and said " I might as well warn you guys, sometimes they can be kind of critical". Then she smiled the saddest smile I have ever seen and said "I know they mean well & they love me, so do me a favour you guys and just bare with them, ok?" Just as she finished her sentence there came a pounding knock from the front door. I felt the hair on the back of my neck begin to stand on end as I watched her cat awaken from a dead sleep to scurry off out the back door as fast as it's feet could travel. Oh, how I wish I had followed that cat.(6) All rights reserved T. Milne
I watched as Kate's usually bouncy step became slow and measured as she approached her own front door. Her shoulders began to creep up seeking refuge behind her ears,at the same time her back stiffened into ramrod straightness. The pounding grew louder some how, and only stopped when the door had been opened. There standing in the door way were two people wearing identical grimaces of disapproval. Kate's Mother, who refused to move beyond the threshold, looked like she smelled skunk, as Kate's Father pushed past her and began a running commentary that would leave the rest of us breathless and without an appetite. "What's wrong with the door bell girl?" Her father chimed removing his coat and tossing it at Kate, " doesn't that man of yours care enough to see that you've got a proper door bell? Must I do everything myself?" He asked rolling up his sleeves , preparing to "fix" her doorbell right then and there. "Please don't worry about it Daddy" Kate said as she moved him & her mother out of the door way and into the foyer. "Mike and I decided we don't want a doorbell,but thank you Daddy." But he was too busy talking over her to hear what Kate had said. "You're lucky to have me around still you know", he said, his bushy eyebrows creeping down over his eyelids like angry caterpillars, "what with that man you've settled for being so incompetent in home repair! What's wrong with your hair?" "What took so long?" Her mother asked raising her right eyebrow almost completely to her hairline while keeping her left one perfectly still. "You knew we were coming, why weren't you ready for us? Don't you want your own parents to know where you live? A fine welcome that is. Here, I feel like I've been holding these flowers forever, take them will you. Be sure to cut the stems Katie dear, you know how you always forget and then complain your arrangements never look as good as your sister Jane's. At least Jane takes the time to listen, unlike some people. Well aren't you going to introduce us to your friends? Your Father is right dear, what have you done to your hair?" With that we were introduced to her parents The Underminer Majors, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, before they were shown through the house. No one had the courage to go with them. We all just stood in the kitchen, thunderstruck emotionally and mentally. No one knew quite what to say about what we had just seen, so we spoke of small things, weddings in general, the weather, the wine, anything but how gross that scene at the door had been to witness. Finally rejoining our little group twenty minutes later, Kate no longer looked fresh and happy. All the bounce had gone out of her. (7)
All rights reserved T. Milne Her nose was bright red, her eyes looked as though she might cry and her hands had formed themselves into permanent claws plastered to her thighs. Her lower lip took most of the punishment, as she bit it almost constantly when not forcing herself to laugh or smile. Before two hours had passed, Kate's parents had taken a bite out of every girl there, even the poor little flower girl, who in the Mother's opinion "did not look bright enough to understand what she must do". It was awful , and we had 5 months, 6 days and 13 hours of that to endure before the freedom of "I Do" released the rest of us from ever having to see these people again. We coped by laughing about it when we could and crying about it when we couldn't, and making private bets, lots and lots of them. We became a really close wedding party.For Mike's mom & dad, it was worse. I believe I overheard the term " get me outta this nightmare ", slide past the lips of Mike's dad more than once. For the banquet hall staff it was four months , five hours and thirty four minutes of hell at the mercy of these people as " paying customers". A status they felt entitled them to the ultimate indulgence in rudeness and snide remarks. I thought I had officially met the worst of the worst. Little did I know, the worst was yet to come. Something I learned through my experience with Kate is that Underminer Majors usually travel with their alter ego's, The Underminer Minor, or Sibling Rival.
When you find yourself in the position of witnessing such an encounter, as a nice guy you're bound to be affected by the multilayered toxicity of energy vamps like these ones. Social convention prohibits many of us from speaking out at the time. While you may want to champion your friend, you have a better chance of doing that one on one, with words of encouragement and actions that are supportive and loving. This gives the friend who is the main donor, another reflection of themselves by which they can take stock of their authentic nature, rather than the negative one portrayed by the vampire. Bringing you down a notch is just their cup of tea, they love that almost as much as Drama, and are master manipulators in confrontational conversation, turning your words around and using them to make their point. Of course you are free to do as you will, it has just been my experience that speaking up & confronting them turns out to be counter productive ,adding fuel to an already tense situation akin to an inextinguishable fire. Our challenge as evolving beings, as Nice Guys, is to learn to resist the temptation to believe less of ourselves, not change the Vamp. Vamp parents and Nice Guy parents work from a different mentality. When a child comes to a Nice Guy parent, having made a mistake or hurt themselves unknowingly, it is natural for us to give love in response first. We hug the child, give comfort, say things like it'll be ok, and there there. (8) All rights reserved T. Milne Nice Guys offer a shoulder to cry on, a compassionate ear to listen, then gives the child some gentle guidance for better luck next time,knowing there will be a next time. But when the child of an Energy Vamp falls, it is fodder for fearful thinking and manipulative thought implants get put in play, that teaches the child to always listen to The Vamp's opinion & knowledge, above their own or else ___ will happen. "Didn't I tell you, or You should have listened better,or you're clumsy" they love to blame the victim, in order to elevate their own importance. If you are a parent using this way to get your child to comply, consider the long term ramifications of raising someone afraid to make choices & mistakes. How can you shift your approach today to start a new pattern? How would life be different if we accepted our right to choose for ourselves, as a Birthright and work from there? You would automatically treat yourself differently. You would also more than likely parent differently, be married differently, be honouring of another's right to choose in a freer and different spirit of cooperation. How would the Vamp's attempts to make us feel small stick in this new mind set? They probably wouldn't. Would it give us another way at looking at perceived failure in your life? Would you be more willing to make mistakes in order to learn and grow? Whether it is failure to communicate, or assimilate, or achieve a goal not set forth by you, "the mistake" lies in self judgement, not in the failure of actualizing another's plan. The only thing guaranteed about conditional Love is that the conditions will constantly change, and never be met, to keep the game of "Do as I say" alive. This is the way of Love that drains. Love that drains invites us to judge ourselves harshly as not good enough. Self reflection is different. That is a process of going within to seek council from self. It is choosing for oneself how you will or will not reflect yourself to the world, then standing by it, and acting on it. Free will is the right to choose for yourself. *Exercise * Use as many words as you can think of to describe how it would feel to have disapproving parents, or significant relationships, support your choices as an adult instead of knock them down? Where would you feel the most relief knowing their need for judgement has been removed? Why is your loyalty to them more important than your loyalty to you? What would happen if you became your own authority figure & wrote PERSONALLY.ISSUED.PERMISSION. SLIPS.? *Exercise * Write yourself a permission slip to choose what is right for you and resist urge to let others dictate your life to you. It is not Love, it's Conditional Love, and it's hurting you. (9)
All rights reserved T. Milne Chapter 2: Fashion Vamps and Other Things That Suck. A few weeks after the Brides Maid's brunch, Kate reserved a private room at a local restaurant, so that everyone involved in the wedding party could meet. Many arrived early, to stash our coats and get a cocktail before being seated. We had all heard rave reviews about the food here and the excitement palpable. Everyone of us had taken the time to pull out their nicest suits and prettiest dresses for the occasion. We looked fabulous if I do day so myself! We were all in high spirits as we introduced ourselves around the group. A few of the girls in the party were Kate's cousins, and so there was a very relaxed and fun spirited atmosphere amongst our group that only happy family members can inspire. Everything was going beautifully. We all thought we were having one of the best nights of our lives. Unbeknown to us, there was a storm cloud on it's way and heading straight for our little wedding party in the form of a Fashion Police Vamp out for a bite. The Fashion Police Vamp (undermine personal style & self esteem) Scent : Disapproval with a splash of Malice Domain: Anywhere people wear clothes. Call ; " You're not wearing THAT are you? Markings : Designer Labels, Long Noses, Usually covered in shades of black. Physical Display & Hunting Technique ; An Army of Innuendo. Use "The Psychic Burr" and A False Sense of Superior Style. Public humiliation & biting remarks.
The Tale of Belinda The Brave. A good looking couple dressed entirely in black entered the restaurant and headed towards our little wedding party, all gathered while we waited to be seated for dinner that evening. As the couple approached , I noticed the strangest thing. The atmosphere around us began to change, as the entire group went from the gentle hum of friendly conversation to an uncomfortable silence instantly. Like birds sensing danger near. Impeccably dressed & groomed, the woman (who's name & title I didn't catch at first ) & her man stalked toward the group, with what can only be described as lethal grace. They oozed predator, with big plastic smiles pasted on their too perfect faces. They were a scary pair & reminded me of a Gothic Barbie & Ken, reeking an air of contempt that seemed out of place with our cheerful surroundings. (10) All rights reserved T. Milne After a long awkward silence, Kate's bridesmaid & cousin , Belinda, greeted the couple cheerfully, making room for them to stand next to her while we all waited together. She beamed an authentic smile, holding out her hand to them both only to be left hanging, twice. I already knew that Vamp's sometimes traveled together, but as they say, seeing truly is believing and sadly, Vamp couples are not that unusual. " Hello everyone," Gothic Barbie crooned, as she moved to stand beside the blond in a fabulous red evening gown ,draped over a figure that would have made Marilyn Monroe envious. " We'll, well, well, look at you Belinda," the woman in black said to the one who had greeted her so sweetly "We'd heard you'd lost some weight," her man chimed in," guess we heard wrong!" then he looked around the group laughing at his own bad joke, puffing up a bit in the chest when his comment went unchallenged. Oh,oh, Vamp Alert! " Of course I'm teasing you dear, you look fabulous"! he said after wrapping her into a too long hug that ended with him squeezing her bottom. "Besides," he quipped, slapping her bum before he wandered off towards the bar, "The curvy look is back in, so I wouldn't worry about it too much if I were you. It's not like you'll ever be a super model or anything". Then laughing at his own joke, again, he disappeared around the corner. As the group stood there in stunned silence unable to digest what had just happened, I looked over to see that Belinda had begun biting her bottom lip and shifting from one foot to another as she looked around the restaurant, trying to avoid eye contact with the rest of us. " Wherever did you find such an,,,,unusual colour dear? One of those Thrift Shops you're so partial to, or was it a going out of business sale"? The one in black said as she pretended to brush away non existent dandruff from Belinda's shoulder. Belinda mumbled something under her breath as she turned away, tears threatening to spoil the makeup that had clearly taken great time and care to apply so meticulously. My heart went out to her as she excused herself from the group, her date now so distracted by the woman in black clinging to his arm, that he didn't even see her leave. Belinda walked as fast as her pride would allow her towards the restrooms. Just like that An Energy Vampire strikes, and an evening can be ruined by someone that you barely know. People who conceal unkindness behind inappropriate jokes, comments, and back handed compliments are Energy Vampires, and they suck the fun out of everything. I waited a few minutes, then excused myself just as our group was being seated. I found Belinda, crying in the bathroom, her hair now plastered to an overheated forehead, her makeup smeared across her face and her eyes all puffy and swollen. I got her some fresh tissues, then sat down on the counter beside her, offering her a tic tac. I think it surprised her when I asked her how much weight she had lost. (11) All rights reserved T. Milne She smiled as she revealed it was 90lbs she a dropped, as well as several dress sizes. I asked how she was adjusting to all of the other changes that came with her new wardrobe? Belinda smiled a little and shared with me that for the first time in her life, she had finally started buying clothes just for fun because she now liked her figure when she looked at herself in the mirror. Belinda went on to explain that the biggest changes had taken place in her love life. As in ,she now had one! She shared that it was awkward to start dating at 24, but she was getting better with each date she went out on. This was the first time she had ever come to a big event with anyone, never mind someone she liked, and she "really, really liked this one".Turning to look at the damage in the mirror she wailed, " Now what will he think of me?" I handed her my compact and said " I guess that depends on what you decide to do next. No guts, no glory, right? But one thing's for sure, you'll never find out by staying in here" I said helping her straighten up her hair and make up. "Maybe he'll say something like...you know some weird people babe , or what took you so long I missed you, or Honey, did I mention, you look good enough to eat in that dress." I said smiling my sweetest smile and patting her on the shoulder. She started laughing then, and admitted that she actually loved the colour of her new gown. I said that I did too. Then I asked her what made the lady in black such an expert? Everyone else that evening had only had nice things to say. True, maybe all of us were just being polite, but was that really a viable option to acknowledging that the woman in black was simply mean spirited and liked to hurt peoples feeling's for fun? "Her ego must feel really threatened by you for her to zero in on you like that," I said fixing my own hair, "Clearly, those labels aren't winning her your genuine admirers." Then I turned and offered her a hug as I prepared to rejoin the group, " You know" I said smiling at her, "you could always have some fun with her nastiness. We could make a private bet to see how many zingers she can come up with before the night is over. Winner gets dessert of their choice. I'll call the number 72." Belinda liked that idea,smiling at me she said, "OK, we'll make a game out of it! I'll say she'll get to 102! We should see if the guys want in on this" she giggled, as we walked towards our table. " You know, just to make it even more interesting" she suggested. "Ok, it's a deal", and with that we rejoined the group together. Belinda was very brave to climb back out of that nasty Ego Trap and back into action. Remember it's up to each of us what we allow ourselves to believe and feel about ourselves and what we do not.Before the night was over, everyone was in on the bet. Doug, one of the groomsmen, was the winner of a massive fudge brownie for coming closest with his guess of 152! (12) All rights reserved T. Milne Chapter 3: The Triple Back Biter Vamp Perfectionist/Fashion Police / Sibling Rival. A Sibling Rival Like No Other,The Story of Jane The Pain.
Until Kate's wedding I had never met a triple backed Vamp. Someone who had more than one hunting technique and style for stealing as much energy from a group of people or an individual as they could, in as little time as possible. Kate's sister Jane, set me straight and so I will pass along this warning to you. *Vamps can come double backed , sometimes even triple & quadruple backed*. Again, the clearest indicator is the chronic behaviour that invites us to feel badly about ourselves based on their invisible list of rules & regulations. Jane was Kate's older sister and clearly the apple of her parent's eye. Jane had a PH.D. in mean, and had snagged herself a rich husband. Period. That was her greatest achievement. Even though he was a nasty man with impossible standards, Kate & Jane's parents adored Him because ,he owned his own company, and he had a mansion and a yacht. This qualified Monty,as man of the hour, every hour. As for Jane, in their parent's eyes, Jane could do no wrong. She was perfect, as far as they were concerned . My first encounter with Jane was just as stunningly confusing as my last, as was every single mutual encounter in between. The first time I met Jane "officially", was at Kate's first fitting for her bridal gown. We were all standing at the front of the store, admiring Kate's gown, a creamy white satin number, covered in hand sewn crystal beads. We all agreed that Kate would look spectacular in it when her face burst into a smile upon seeing it, even before the alterations that would make it hers alone. All the girls were there, and we had given Kate a pep talk, knowing her mother would be joining us. We were prepared for Mom, Sister Jane however, was a whole other story. Imagine our surprise when The Fashion Vamp from the restaurant arrived. Kate's mom thought it was important to include her. We were all surprised, even The Bride, who looked instantly both angry & worried. Jane strode into the place like she owned it and began prowling the store. Her long thin index finger running itself over every surface, then inspecting it, like she was wearing imaginary white gloves and this was her job. (13) All rights reserved T. Milne Her face changed as a line formed above her perfectly sculpted eyebrows.Whatever she was seeing, it was clearly unacceptable. "We were here for Kate, not house keeping" , I heard one of the girls mutter as Jane strode towards us and right through our little group, instead of around it. She went straight to her mother for a fake kiss/kiss , hug/hug that made it look as if they were afraid they'd stick to each other if they actually made contact. Then and only then, did she turn to The Bride sending a greeting down her long nose. No fake kiss, kiss for Kate, instead Jane greeted her with, "I don't know why you insisted on coming to This Store" in a voice loud enough for everyone in the store to hear. Then she pretended to shudder before continuing. "Whatever were you thinking Katie? You know your cousin Olivia is going to school for fashion design. She has a marvellous charcoal creation that would have hidden that sallow completion of yours. My god, Mother was right, what have you done to your hair?" Before Kate could say a word, Jane continued. "Seriously Kate, I don't know why you insist on white!" Then a Cheshire smile split her face as she boomed," I mean it's not like you're still a virgin or anything! Really Katie, we all know you're living with that man! Just how dumb do you think we are anyway?"she crowed so loudly that heads were beginning to turn our way. Luckily for Kate, the owner of the store, a benevolent older gentleman in an impeccably tailored suit came to her rescue, at just that moment. Taking Kate by the hand, he turned to Jane and said, "Ah, Madame" giving Jane a look that said,just how dumb are you??, " As you must know, it is every bride's privilege to choose for herself how she will reflect her love for her man on Their Wedding Day." He instantly became my hero that day! The other girls seemed to agree. With that he turned away, still holding Kate's hand , and he began to lead her away. We could hear him crooning as they went, " Bella, Bella, leave it to me, you will be the most beautiful bride yet! Come, I will be your fairy godfather and we will help make all your dreams come true. Smile Bella, it will be alright." he cooed as they disappeared through a tall set of curtains. The wedding party heaved a sigh of relief in unison, and one of us started to giggle noticing the coincidence. Kate's Mom and Jane didn't like that at all and gave us all their iciest stares. Luckily, we were ushered into a sitting area all together, and their spell was broken. Only Mom sat down. When Kate popped out from behind a big white curtain, she looked Incredible! It was a beautiful gown, for a beautiful bride,accenting her best attributes without looking trashy. She was glowing with happiness. That's when we saw Jane's other, other bad side. Her Underminer Minor, or Sibling Rival was showing. "Of course" she chimed " I hope are you planning to loose some weight before your wedding day Katie," Jane said with a gleam in her eye I could see in the mirror.(14) All rights reserved T. Milne Then shrugging her thin shoulder Jane said "You know the camera adds ten pounds and with that figure of yours, well, You know. I'm your sister so I care enough to say it. You may not like to hear it, but,well let's face it, Katie dear, you really can't afford to look any bigger, now can you?" We stood transfixed and mortified waiting to see what Kate would say. Just because Jane was built like a stick figure didn't mean Kate or the rest of us had to be the same. Vamps almost seem to thrive on shocking people. "I think I look great Janie." Kate said lifting her chin just a bit, " Mike says he loves my curves, and besides, I've already paid for this dress. I'm not changing it, Ok? Can't you just be happy for me Jane? I love the way I look in this dress." Atta girl, I thought to myself, stick to your guns Kate! Jane glared at Kate in the mirror, but Kate just smiled and turned back to admiring her gown. That's when Jane leaped forward and whispered loudly, in a voice dripping with sarcasm, " Well of course, what Mike says is more important than what I say. After all who am I anyway? I'm only your Big Sister, what do I know? Go ahead you little fool, Don't listen to me, listen to Mike instead!" By now her volume had raised enough that she was attracting on lookers again and Vamps, unlike the rest of us, love an audience. Oh, oh, I took two steps toward Kate in a show of support, the other bridesmaids followed me, but that just made Jane angrier and louder. "Go ahead you stupid fool, don't listen to me, you'll be the one who's sorry when your pictures come back and you look like the stay puffed marshmallow girl stuffed into a tacky white dress that's the same as everyone else's !" With that Jane left, slamming herself through the store, and straight out the door. Wow, a grown woman having a tantrum. How sucky of her. Before Kate could do anything other than stare after her sister,Kate's Mom exploded up from her seat, gathering her things. (15) All rights reserved T. Milne "Katie! How could you be so mean to your sister? Now you've upset her" her mother wailed. "Honestly, I just don't know what gets into you sometimes. You can be so thoughtless with other people's feelings. You know she's sensitive, and Jane was only trying to help you. Do you think you're so perfect that you can't stand a few pointer's from people older and wiser than you? Because let me tell you something my dear, you are far, far from perfect! I hope you're happy Katie, you've ruined this day for your sister and me! I'm leaving before I say anything I might regret, (before??) but I want you to know, I'm very, very disappointed in your behaviour. Talk about your Bridezilla!" With that she turned on her heel , flew through the store and out the door yelling "Jane, Jane dear come back! Jane lets talk about it!" the whole way. Kate stood frozen in place looking forlorn and guilty some how. " Maybe Jane's right", she finally said. " Maybe it wouldn't hurt to loose just a few pounds, I do want my pictures to be beautiful and there's no do overs right?" After she returned from taking off the gown Kate said "I'm suddenly feeling really tired you guys, I think I'll skip lunch and go home for a nap instead. An Energy Vampire strikes again, and as you can see, it can be just as draining to witness, as it is to be on the receiving end of biting comments designed to hurt our self esteem. It's The Donor's Politeness keeps the Vamp feeding longer. The Sibling Rival's Real Issue . Their biggest issue seems to be that their siblings were born at all. Never quite out growing the need to compete for attention, the Underminer Minor has several techniques and strategies designed to keep you on edge and leave you feeling drained and inadequate, while making themselves feel good. Some of these include; telling stories that have just enough truth to make you look bad, not them . Making cruel remarks, especially under their breath instead of communicating with a goal for resolution. They want mom and dad all to themselves and will orchestrate events so that you are left out of the equation. They are highly competitive creatures, who have tricked themselves into believing they are the centre of the universe, and their sibling's main competitor. This is usually thanks to the constant reinforcement given to this idea by the parental unit through comparison & biting remarks. Their unkind behaviour can hurt more because they are family and we're "suppose to" love each other. Having folks like this in the family or extended family can wreak havoc on the average Nice Guy, playing with our emotional stability because they are bound to us by blood ties. Many Nice Guys avoid their Vampiric family, but those same nice guys and gals will turn around and invite people very similar into their lives and hearts under different banners. Lets take a look a what happens when Vampires are invited into our lives under a professional banner. (18) All rights reserved T. Milne
Chapter 4: The Eluder Vamp, Trap : innuendo & you fill in the blank Domain : Everywhere. Call; Obviously! Also Tisk Tisk , Humph and heavy sighs. Markings ; Hawk eyes, an invisible list of rules and regulations. Scent ; Disapproval, Mild Hostility, Superiority & peppermint.Hunting Style ;They undermine our confidence in our selves and our goals through reverse logic, innuendo & fill in the blank statements.
Who's Truth do You Believe? Mike's story. For many of us, meeting new people just gets harder as we get older. With the rare exception of a few, the majority of people walking around planet Earth today, often bring one insecurity or another to the game of Life in adulthood. We are each and every one of us, well aware of our shortcomings. The average Nice Guy, is often especially hard on themselves & that's how this Vamp gets in. Through the back door of our high standards for ourselves, and into the heart of our well being. But only if we give their cruelty credit. Mike was Kate's fiancé and one of the nicest Nice Guys that I had ever met. Long & lean, Mike was more brains than brawn, but that never stopped him from playing sports. He Lived for hockey, and had always dreamed of becoming a trainer for the Toronto Maple Leafs, his favourite team. Throughout his school career, Mike had won people over with his lightning fast humour and helpful ways, avoiding the bullying that so many endure. An only child and the apple of his parent's eye ,Mike was a happy ,well adjusted, focused young man when he started dating Kate. Besides becoming really good in his chosen field as a sports trainer, Mike's greatest mission in life seemed to be making Kate's wishes come true. He was like her own personal Genii, so none of us were surprised when Mike announced he had signed us all up for dance lessons because Kate had always dreamed of a group dance to open their reception with a bang. (19) All rights reserved T. Milne Unsure of where to begin, Mike had finally let google maps do the searching for him, choosing an instructor based solely on their being close to his work. Though most of the boys in the group didn't think of themselves as dancers, they were at least willing to try to learn a few new moves to help make Kate & Mike's big day as memorable as possible. So, it was with a mixture of nervous excitement & exhaustion from a long days work that our wedding party met at The Dance Bar, a small studio three blocks from Mike's work one dark rainy night about 2 months into the planning stage. The instructor arrived ten minutes late. She was a very pretty lady somewhere in her mid twenties, with long black hair that reached almost all the way to her waist and moss green eyes that stood out against her golden skin. She took five minutes removing her coat and stashing her purse, pulling on her dance shoes and organizing her desk, before she finally looked up and acknowledged that there were other people in the studio, besides her. My warning bells were blowing as I watched this woman take a measured look around the room, one eyebrow raising to the edges of her hairline as if she had already seen something she disapproved of. She looked pleasant enough, but there was that gleam in her eyes that warned me she was really an Energy Vampire about to have a snack. "So," she said through lips painted a dramatic bright red, " which one of you is Mike?" When Mike raised his hand the woman slowly slinked over to stand right under his nose, way to close for most people's comfort. Mike tried to take a step back, except there was no where to go. This seemed to make her smile and she actually tried to take a step closer to him. We could all see that her nearness was making Mike very nervous, especially when he let out a half strangled laugh and launched himself in Kate's direction, grabbing on to her hand like it was a life line. This seemed to amuse the instructor even more and the gleam in her eye grew twice as bright as she turned to face him once more saying, " I understand from your phone message you want to put together a dance number for your wedding, is that right?" "Yes mam, that's right" Mike said smiling his cheeriest smile, " something easy that our guest will remember and enjoy." Though he was still clutching Kate's hand, his shoulders were no longer hunched up under his ears as he started to relax once more. "Don't call me mam!" She hissed, cocking her head to the side as she raised her right hand to rest on what appeared to be a grove in her forehead. Sighing heavily, like it was taking all her patience to be nice, she hissed " that's Mizz Jones to you!" Then suddenly remembering herself, she visibly shivered like it was uncomfortable for her to be polite, and said in flat voice, " Let's see what you've given me to work with shall we? Pair up people. Let's go I don't have all night you know, and I can already tell you're going to be a lot of work!"(20) All rights reserved T. Milne Then Smiling an artificial smile, she began circling each wedding party member looking us up and down, raising arms here, asking for twirls there. Upon completing her inspection she turned to Mike and said, "Well I'm no miracle worker you know. From what I see here, you'll be memorable all right, just maybe not in the way you had hoped. I mean, well, no offence, but just look at what you have brought me to work with. I'll do what I can, but you'd better be willing to do your part, because the last thing I need is all of you making me look bad." After that day we called her "MIZZ Piranha". The following hour and a half was more of a lecture about what big losers we were than an instructive dance session. Ms. Jones took great delight in explaining how most of us had no coordination and why we never would. She constantly picked on Mike, taking five minutes to correct him on the way he was holding Kate's hand. We tried our hardest to follow her instructions, but after an hour we were no further along than the first three steps. Ms. Jones, had done more talking than teaching, saying things like, "In my experience most people have an exaggerated sense of themselves."(said the pot to the kettle). "Quiet frankly, I can already tell that you are not the kind group capable of pulling off the "memorable moment" that you're hoping for or you wouldn't be here in the first place, now would you? If you're not willing to try harder than this,' she said pointing directly at Mike"You should consider the traditional first dance where all you have to do is rock back and forth in a circle, like puppets, and spare yourselves and me any further embarrassment". Turning away from Mike before he could form an answer, she strutted across the room, in big long strides, seeming to grow taller in the knowingness that all eyes were on her. Then sitting on her desk, she began an oscar worthy performance. "People, people, I don't want to be mean. "(too late) " But, it would be unkind of me to build up false hopes. Let's face facts, here, you're, well, you're, oh I don't know ,you fill in the blanks, uncoordinated , untalented, maybe even a little bit lazy, and I fear from what you've shown me you can do so far, that you'll never get what I'm trying to show you. I am a professional! I have spent years and years honing my skills as a dancer. I know what it takes to be good. Do you all really believe that with your two left feet, you're going to master the merengue in five easy lessons and not make complete fools of yourselves? It's hysterical!" When a few of us started to object, she held up her hand and said," I'm not hear to judge, But I am here with a reality check. Did you really think with your skills, you were going to master the merengue? I mean I'm good, but even I cannot make a silk purse from a sow's ear!" Looking out at the stunned faces before her & seeing the effect her words were having,actually made the woman actually looked pleased. Truly, and genuinely pleased to have crushed the hopes and dreams of the Bride & Groom to be. It was despicable ! (21) All rights reserved T. Milne I knew right then, exactly what her trip was. A False Superiority Complex, big time. "I'm giving you the truth, not candy coating it just to make you rich folks feel better about yourselves." she sneered getting up to prowl the room once more. "Huh?" The thought was so pervasive throughout the room that you could almost hear it travelling from brain to brain. We weren't rich, most of us had full time jobs & student loans we were still paying for. Who was this person? And Who's truth did she intend to share? Because I knew it wasn't mine. That's all I kept thinking that dark stormy night. Honestly, I stopped listening after her third warning shot. What an energy drain! But many in the group kept listening, getting smaller and smaller inside as the 90 minutes wore on. We all left that dance studio looking like we had survived a plane crash in the Andes. Limping, disoriented and desperate to get away from the horrors we had seen and endured. No one talked, we just scattered. I ran into Mike a week later at his folks place. He looked so sad, so lost, and I asked him what was the matter. " Oh, nothin' just doing a lot of thinking the last couple of days, that's all." Mike said "I been thinking' maybe Mizz Piranha was right, maybe we should think about dropping the group dance and just stick with something more traditional. I want Kate's day to be as perfect as it can be, and you heard Ms. Jones, apparently I have been born with two left feet. Maybe it's time for me to get real and let go of this dream to learn how to dance in a way that will make Kate feel like a princess on her wedding day. I just don't know anymore. I can't seem to make a decision but I can't stop stop thinking about it. Her words just keep repeating in my head, and even though a part of me wishes she wasn't right, what if she is ? I'm so confused! I wish I knew what to do to make it stop. Has this ever happened to you?" he asked. "Yep," I said " I call it The Brain Train Drain." Then I smiled at him and asked him what he was doing that weekend. When he asked why, I told him that I thought I had something that would help him and his brain drain problem but that he would have to come to my house to get it. "You don't have to decide now," I said, seeing the uncertainty in his eyes, "maybe you'll have a breakthrough on your own, but if Friday comes around and you're still feeling this way, come over to my place for seven o'clock. Ok? I'm pretty sure I can help. I could see that he was curious, so I wasn't surprised when he arrived at 7:01 that Friday night. I still lived with my folks back then, and had a little room in the basement to call my own and so we went downstairs for some space of our own. Before I opened the door, Mike grabbed my arm, a serious look on his face. "You're not gonna do any voodoo stuff are you? Cause I gotta tell you right now, I'm not into that stuff, I believe in God! So before we go in there, I want to know what am I getting myself into? You're not a witch are you?"(22) All rights reserved T. Milne I looked at my friend and smiled, gently shaking my head. This early in my journey I'd had only had this conversation a few times before, and I was still trying to figure out what I was, as well as find the words to describe what I do. " No, I'm not a witch, but I have studied about them and the religion itself . They honour the Earth and the cycles and circles of life, and though I admire their belief we should do no harm, no Mike, I'm not a witch." I leaned against the door relaxing my stance. This seemed to make him relax too. " Let me see if I can explain" I said. " For as long as I can remember I've known stuff. Stuff about other people, sometimes what was about to happen, sometimes other information. But it's always been a part of who I am. For as long as I can remember people have wanted to tell me stuff about themselves and their troubles. I've always listened, but I didn't always know how to help. That's all I have ever wanted to do though, to help people feel better. I learned early that my knowingness was not something everyone else does. I knew I wasn't supposed to talk about it because people might think I was crazy or weird. So I kept the pictures in my mind and the knowingness in my heart to myself for a long time." I smiled and moved down to sit on the floor. Mike followed suit. " When I was thirteen, my Great Aunt Yolande, came to visit us for the summer. She was a card reader, and I remember all the adults got so excited about having their futures revealed by this grand lady. The looks on their faces as they walked away from the table inspired me, because, until then I had never understood how my differentness might help other people in the real world. When all the adults were done, she called me over. I felt so honoured, me a mere girl of 13 getting a card reading! But that's not what happened. I sat down across from her and shuffled the cards, then she asked me a question about someone and had me pull some cards. Laying them on the table, she asked me what I saw and knew, like she understood how I worked inside! You can imagine my excitement, as I told her everything I got from the cards in front of me, showing off a bit." When I was done, all she said was " Bon". It wasn't until the next day that she announced to my parents, she would begin my training post haste, in keeping with the family tradition. She explained then, that her tour of the families that year had been in search of one who held the gift,as it always skips a generation. Turns out it's me. It's in my blood or something like that. She was a good teacher, I learned a lot." I had never told this to anyone before, and I really wasn't sure what he was thinking so I pressed on. " I've spent the last 10 years learning everything I can about metaphysical stuff and I practice every day. I've gotten really good Mike, and there's always new stuff to learn." I said excitedly, " I'm learning about energy and how it works with people. I've learned that (23) All rights reserved T. Milne thoughts and feelings are energy, that's how card readings work in the first place. Energy exchange. So what I do, in part is I read energy. See it's not spooky at all, it's like being an electrician, only a metaphysical one." Then I looked him in the eye and said, "I believe in God too, and if God didn't want me to be this way, I wouldn't have been made this way. That's what I believe . I invited you over because, I think I can help you, not to give you my life story. I know a way to help, but it won't work if you don't trust me. It's up to you, what do you think?" "No Voodoo?" He said holding his hand out for a pinky swear, "No Voodoo, I promise." We opened the door to my little haven and stepped into the room together. My hand painted picture of the Goddess Isis hung upon the far wall, next to a statue of Mother Mary and another of The Laughing Buddha. Book shelves lined two of the walls, where oracle decks of every shape, size and description were on display. All but the Tarot, which for some reason or other I personally do not enjoy reading from. There were books on numerology, angels quantum physics , astrology, shamanism, crystals, and many other "alternative" subjects. Along with figurines, shells and crystal balls, placed here and there. "Holy smoke!" Mike said, looking at my collection of books. "When do you have time to read all of these? I've never met someone with so many books on purpose." I just shrugged and said I found it fun. He wandered around the room picking up this trinket and that for closer inspection. He loved the wizard collection, but thought the unicorns and fairies to be "girly & lame". "Cool room" he finally said sitting down in one of the two chairs I had "rescued' from my mom's living room. He was rolling a small crystal ball in his hands. " Ok, Glinda" Mike teased, " bring on those magic slippers." Then he sat back and closed his eyes, as if waiting to be transformed into something. I waited, very patiently until he opened his eyes, then I handed him a deck of playing cards. "What? Are we gonna play poker? " he said smiling as he shuffled the cards. When he was done I spread them out before him and said "Sure, lets see which hand holds the best shot at winning the prize, shall we?" Then I said,"start with the question I wonder what will happen if I follow the path of least resistance and give up learning a dance number for my upcoming wedding? Now pull seven cards from the deck and hand them over. Great." he looked a little confused but did as I asked as I continued. " Now, lets ask what happens if you follow your dreams to become super dancer for your Bride on your wedding day, & let's also ask whether finding a new instructor would increase your odds for success?" (24) All rights reserved T. Milne This time I want you to pull twelve cards." This time, he took his time choosing each card. His face was a mixture of curiosity and hope." Ok, now hand those cards over too please." I suddenly had an image of a man in a bright green cardigan pushing a little boy on a swing while he sang " Oh Danny Boy" in a gravelly, out of key baritone. I shared the image with Mike and he started to cry. "That's my Gramps,"he said after blowing his nose a few minutes later. "How'd you know about that? I've never told another living soul, that was the song we would sing every time we had to leave the park." He cried a little more, but this time there was a huge smile on his face. "Ok, so what's that mean?" " It means he's still with you in spirit and he's sending you his love.Ok?"Mike just nodded."Ok. So we'll welcome Gramps to join us, now lets take a look at these cards. Spades are bad news, clubs are money & progress, diamonds are success and hearts are happiness. Got it?" I said. " Got it!" He replied leaning forward for a better look. The first pile of seven were flipped over one at a time. All seven were spade cards, all with their own dark meaning. They sang out an unhappy story on the table before us, including a probable injury for Mike. As I shared what they said, Mike sucked in his breath and let out a slow soft whistle in response. We pushed them off to the side and laid out the next set of twelve cards. Sure enough, diamonds, and clubs danced around several happy hearts and a pretty queen that seemed to tell a much better story. Looking across the table I could see Mike begin to get visibly excited as his face began to take on a new glow . "What's that card mean? The Ace of Hearts?" Smiling I said, "That happiness and wish fulfilment will be available in massive supply. These here, I said pointing to the Queen of Diamonds surrounded by several hearts & diamonds, tell us that a light eyed lady with very high intelligence will help your cause. Look for her to show up in the next two weeks and get ready for some new opportunities coming your way." " Huh, neat, and how about these ones, this Queen surrounded by all of these hearts & clubs?" He asked with a shy grin. " That my friend," I said holding up the cards in question," is a very happy woman, filled with love. She's very sweet, a great cook,has a huge artistic streak, and big brown eyes." I said pointing out The Queen of Hearts." Sound like anyone you know?" I asked him with a wink & a smile. "Looks like finding a new instructor may be just the thing to help make Kate's wishes come true. But it's still up to you" I said quietly. Then standing I moved over to my bookshelf and returned with a brand new journal I had bought the week before. Handing it across to Mike I said " Here, Brain Train Drain Relief 101". When all he had to say was "Huh?" I explained a little bit further. (25) All rights reserved T. Milne "Part of what has been happening to you the last couple of days is what I call Brain Train Drain. It's usually caused by a chronic thought pattern that undermines our desire to feel good about ourselves, or do what we feel we want to verses what we think we should. When the brain drain begins, it it usually because our heart and our head are not in agreement with how we should proceed. Action becomes difficult to take because our internal compass is out of whack, we can't hear the wisdom of our heart, because our head is to busy remembering all of the arguments that feel logical, but often lousy. Journaling can help us get to see what we have been thinking, and feeling more clearly because it allows us to express freely, without the worry of hurting another's feelings. Quite often it is this underlying desire to harm none, that can energetically block us from acknowledging our truth. Writing our thoughts and feelings down,not only automatically helps clear confusion from our body, it gives us a chance to walk away from the chronic thoughts for a while and find relief through a silent mind, or distraction. Getting off the topic can inspire new ideas. No longer required to remember all of it's arguments, the silent mind is capable of getting in touch with our heart's wisdom once more. It is often through writing it down and releasing it from our prevalent thought pattern, that we can see our truth and the options that come with honouring that truth in order to feel better about ourselves and our choices once more." I said encouragingly. "So, you're saying maybe I won't wreck everything after all?" He said looking slightly unsure. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Ms. Jones, and people like her, like to take false superiority trips on the backs of people like us. Nice Guys who need them or their services. This kind of dynamic puts Ms.Jones and her kind in a position of power, one they truly let it go to their heads. She's wrong about you Mike, and even Ms. Jones knows it, but her Ego Trap only works if you believe her illusion . Don't you see Mike? It's not about you, it's about her stroking her Ego. It's the only way she knows how to feel good about herself, by trying to drag everyone else down. Instead of encouraging us in our moments of insecurity, like a good teacher would, she chooses to take a big personal bite designed to encourage us to feel bad about ourselves by her standards. This gives her a false sense of superiority, it's an illusion, but its effective if you give her ideas any credit. Let me ask you, when you signed up for her class, did you do so with the intent of becoming a professional dancer or to be bullied and belittled? In other words, what service did you sign up for?" I asked him gently. "Did you really do this as a way to help yourself and, Kate & us feel uncoordinated and bad about ourselves ?"(26) All rights reserved T. Milne "No, not even close," Mike said sitting back and gently twirling the clear crystal between his hands. "No, I signed us up hoping it would be fun, and memorable,and I just wanted to make Kate's wish come true so much!To tell you the truth," Mike said sadly, "I really didn't think I was that bad , but apparently I am, and I just don't know it. The last thing I want to do is embarrass Kate or myself," he said softly, " ya know?" I looked at him and said, " You're only a bad dancer according to Mizz Jones and her invisible list of requirements. I've heard Kate rave about your crazy legs a couple of times," I said teasing him gently, " she says your a great dancer when you let loose, and that her Favourite part, she says, is how good she feels in your arms. It's not your technique,Mike. It's the way you make Kate feel when you dance with her that is on the top of Kate's invisible list. So why are you willing to let someone you don't even know, be right over someone you trust completely?" He laughed for the first time that night, saying he hadn't thought of it that way, so I continued. "Remember Mike, Ms.Jones only gets to be right if you let her. You need to remember she is not the only person capable of teaching you what you would like to learn. It's up to you to discern who feels good to work with and who does not, especially as a paying customer. No one said you have to suffer The Piranha's brand of instruction if you don't want to. As a paying customer, you have every right to find a service that suits your needs, and does what you hired them for. Ms. Jones' brand of energy drain can lead one to believe it's the other way around if you buy into her illusions that the problem lies in your ability to learn and not in her inability to teach. I admire the fact that you're a man of your word, but in this case, you're not breaking your word at all. If you look again, you'll see it's actually Ms. Jones who is not living up to her side of the agreement, not you. If it helps you to feel better at all, she probably treats all her students this way. Putting people down is the only way she knows, to feel good about herself. Kind of sad really, don't you think?" By now we were standing, I had tucked my cards, and crystal ball away once more and was reaching for the light switch. I had done what I set out to do, by giving Mike another way of looking at this problem, he could see new solutions. A few days later, Mike fired Ms. Jones on the spot, when she made the mistake of taking a few bites from his sweet Kate. Turns out Mike has no problem drawing healthy boundaries when it comes to his woman, and the conversation he had been dreading suddenly became very easy as he collected their things and left the dance studio faster than you can say Kalamazoo. He told me later that he had followed my suggestion and journaled his thoughts, which he found made it easier to dismiss Mizz Jones when the time came. Journaling had helped him get clear about his truth. (27)
All rights reserved T. Milne Two weeks later, Mike's Aunt Irene introduced him to an old friend of hers who had just moved to town. Marjory, it seems, had once been a Rocket.She had danced at Radio City Music Hall for over twenty years, and was still lively & limber at 79 from teaching a dance class for seniors. Marjory had heard about Mizz Piranha, and was delighted to offer to teach our little group an easier Latin dance number, that would only take a few short weeks to learn. Kate and Mike were amazing and they had their guest on their feet, stomping and cheering as Mike twirled his bride around the room Samba style. Mike made it through the whole dance sequence without stepping on Kate's toes once(a personal best), and Kate. Well Kate was so happy that night, she practically floated around the room. Everyone complimented her on her grace and style. Well, almost everyone, as Kate's sister Jane had been miffed she hadn't been included in the production. Her mother (huge shock) thoroughly agreed and stopped speaking to "The Bride & Groom" for the rest of the reception, choosing to use one of us as her Messengers instead. She really expected us to walk up to the Bride or Groom and say " Kate's mother says, turn down the music, fix your tie, comb your hair, be quieter. We all just sort of "accidentally forgot". Our little group had a ball running interference most of the night, as a secret gift to our friends. Wish fulfillment is an important part of enjoying Your life, and no one can steal our dreams from us, only we can throw them away. By giving credit to the unkindness of some people's observations, we can rob ourselves of not only terrific experiences but a chance to make ourselves happy and make our dreams come true. It's up to us and what we choose to believe about ourselves. Sometimes the Vamp gets in other ways. Here's a story about what can happen, and often does, when Vampires date Nice Guys. It rarely works because Vampires only know Conditional Love, and the one thing guaranteed about conditional love, is that one person in the pair must give in. Every Time.(28) Chapter 5: Vampires In Love ; Drama Queens. Are You Dating or Donating? Call ; Mine, mine, mine! Habitat; Everywhere. Hunting style; Innuendo, blame, whining, sexual blackmail, pouting & The Dramatic Exit All rights reserved T. Milne The Thing About Nice Guy's.....The Story of Nick. A popular way to celebrate an upcoming wedding these days is to hold a Jack & Jill or a Buck & Doe as opposed to the traditional bridal shower for the ladies and a stag for the men. Not only can these events be a terrific way to raise some funds for the bride & groom, they also provide a wonderful platform to meet some of the other guests who will be attending the big day. The thing about Nice Guys is they tend to hang out with other Nice Guys & Gals when given the chance. Everyone in our little wedding party had that Nice Guy or Gal quality, and often with the blending of lives through marriage comes the blending of friends. Many of us who stood up for Kate and Mike have remained friends years later. Nick was Kate's oldest and dearest friend. She had known him since they were four. They'd been through hell together, and felt like the brother and sister neither had been born to. When they were 7, on the night Nick's dad got married to a lady that wasn't his mom, they'd made a pledge to always stay friends no matter what!Despite all of the ups and downs life threw at them, Kate & Nick had managed to keep their promise, and Mike liked Nick so much, he had asked him to be a groomsmen in the upcoming wedding. Nick was great, he always found the funniest observations to share in the gentlest way possible. This came in handy after a strike by Kate's folks and sister who he secretly called The Pod People. Nick really had it together, and was both attractive and successful in his chosen field. "The most up and coming new real estate agent on the market", Nick would say, handing his card to everyone he met. Nick was a sweet talking, fun loving Nice Guy. That's why we were all so stunned to meet Nick's new girlfriend, Kate's cousin, "Her Majesty ,The Centre of The Universe", a title that was given to her by herself, sometime in her fourth summer. Her Majesty, or Olivia as she preferred to be called, was a tall and slender woman with a gentle overbite and bright red hair,that she swore was natural. The couple were all apologies when they arrived an hour an a half late for the party, no reason, just late. The boys razzed Nick a bit, teasing him that they had barely missed him, as they'd split all of Nick's set up duties, but Kate admitted she had been worried and would have appreciated a call from her friend. Olivia shrugged at that saying "Nicky has a new playmate now. Get over it already!" and pulled Nick off towards the bar to get a drink. They were back twenty minutes later, and found a spot at the head of the table next to the bride and groom, pushing the rest of us down the table to accommodate them.(29) Olivia, we were told, was A Fashion Designer.Well a fashion student, but she had "a portfolio" she explained. One in which she "modelled" all of her own creations because "no one else could make them look half as good". The first thing she said to us was All rights reserved T. Milne "Katie clearly didn't know a good thing when she saw one, and has no vision. Otherwise why would she have chosen another designer." That's when she explained how she was about to "take Paris by storm"(quick, warn Paris), and how we'd all be able to remember meeting her before she was famous, having "at least one cool thing to tell our kids eventually" ( lucky us). She swore at Nick when he said something into her ear and seemed to get worse after his correction instead of better. Drinking her martini very quickly, she ordered another while sucking her olive loudly, scoping out the room with one eye. Ten minutes later, and two Martinis down, Olivia turned her attention back to our table long enough to find Nick deep in conversation with Kate & Mike. Standing so fast she knocked over her chair,with eyes flashing, nostrils flaring and cheeks flushing, Olivia clawed into Nick's arm, halting him mid sentence with a huffy "Nicky, you promised you would introduce me to some Fun people. I'm starting to think you could care less about me, now that you're here with your precious Kate."she whined, practically spitting out Kate's name. Seeing Nick frown, Olivia changed her approach, lighting fast before his discontent with her could register. Smiling her prettiest smile, Olivia leaned into Nick's shoulder, squishing her 38 C's into his cheek. Grabbing his jaw, she turned his face towards hers and crooned, "Come on Daddy,you promised!" Then she kissed his nose & jiggled her boobs, twisting her "naturally neon curls" through her " naturally French manicured" finger nails, as she gave him her most powerful (and possibly botoxed,) naturally sexy pout. Huge sky blue eyes glistened as if she was about to cry from his lack of attention, before she shifted moods again, blowing out an angry breath & turning away from him, to scan the room once more. Then,she growled in a voice we hadn't yet heard ,"Hurry up Nick, lets go already! I'm tired of waiting. Why don't you try keeping your promises for once, you big jerk"?! With that, they left but not before Kate got the iciest glare from her as they walked away. He looked defeated, as they made their way through the crowd and towards the bar once more. We all looked at each other with the same question mark over our foreheads. "Daddy?" He was 24! And he was clearly smitten, a condition which enabled him to hear & see only what he wanted to, instead of what really came out for a bite that night. Like a lot of Vamp's in a social setting , Olivia appeared quite normal at first. But it never takes long for their fangs to show, and it usually happens when they open their mouths and begin to speak, because they can't hide their air of entitlement. Even when there are no overtly threatening cues, like with Jane & Monty, who play their "You're Beneath Me" card openly as part of their game, a very well camouflaged Vamp like Olivia, likes to take some time before they snack, but they will bite eventually. Masters of timing meltdowns for maximum effect,it is what they do. (30) Drama Vamps prefer a more subtle approach to their energy snacking, waiting for just the right moment to strike for Maximum Attention. This is accomplished most often All rights reserved T. Milne by creating a Big Scene in front of lots of people. They live for Drama and they Love an audience. Nice Guy's usually don't like scenes, which works in the Vamps favour. As the evening progressed and the drinks kept coming,Olivia's fangs began to really show. Her "politeness" didn't last past the fourth martini. When they rejoined the group an hour later, Nick was holding her 4 inch heels in his left hand and Olivia's elbow in his right. She waited two minutes before sharing with the entire table her real thoughts about marriage. Warming up to her audience, Olivia got louder & louder as she explained, "why marriage was an outdated concept of ownership, and how she believed all brides were stupid, mindless sheep. Sheep that she was going to make a fortune shearing" she'd cackled at her own joke. Having finally had enough, Nick stood her back up, apologizing to Kate & Mike, and walked her straight outside.She bleated "bah bah" at Kate & the other guests the whole way, laughing and pointing at people who stared as she wobbled out the door, the shoes now on her feet making it difficult. Nick returned a half hour later looking rumpled, guilty and frustrated. When asked where Olivia was, he responded, "Still outside !" in a voice mixed with confusion, exasperation and resentment. " Ya, she says I'm not paying enough attention to her, and accused me of flirting with Kate," he said shaking his head,"Kate??The woman I consider to be my little sister !! What kind of guy does she think I am?" he said looking around the group for a reality check. "I mean I Love Kate, but eww, I've never, ever thought that way about her!" Then taking a deep breath he wandered up to the bar and returned with two cans of ginger ale a few minutes later. "According to Olivia, I've had too much to drink", he said pointing to the cans. She says, "I've made it clear that I'm really not that interested in her, and that everyone here hates her, and we're all silently laughing at her behind her back, & she wants to go home" he finally said sitting down for a minute a putting his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do anymore" he said sighing, sitting up straight. " I was really hoping she was The One, we're so good together when we are alone, ya know? But then, every time, I mean, every time I take her someplace she pulls this kind of stunt!" Nick's said, shaking his head. He was quiet for a few minutes, then he said, "She begged me to come tonight, she said she wanted to meet Mike. She wanted to meet this wedding party she'd been hearing about. So I brought her! She didn't mention she was going to pull her "you don't really love me" stuff here, ya know? I thought I was safe because a lot of these people are her family too. So I thought it would be different tonight. Whenever I take her someplace she pulls some kind of stunt. Even with her friends, & we only ever go out with her friends ! This is the first time it was my friends, and she does it again!" Nick said completely agitated now and working up steam. (31) All rights reserved T. Milne "You could call her a cab" Mike said quietly to him when most of the table got up to dance. "No, that'd just make her right about me being a lousy boyfriend," Nick said looking miserable and confused, "Wouldn't it?" Mike smiled at him and said," well, not the way the rest of us see it, but what matters right now is how you're seeing it. Let me ask you a quick question, Nick, "Do you think you're a lousy boyfriend?" " No! I mean I don't try to be," he said, "but, according to Olivia I can be selfish and stubborn and not attentive enough. She says I need to grow up and learn to stop being so childish in my relationships(funny, that was all things she seemed challenged with) . Then the next minute she says I'm the only one who gets her and she loves me & begs me not to leave her. She thinks I could be the perfect boyfriend, if only I would stop being so childish most of the time". "To tell you the truth, I feel the same way about her." he shared. Then he sighed a huge sigh and rolled his shoulders before laughing saying, "Stay tuned for our next episode of the young and confusing folks. I gotta get back out there. Sorry about tonight Kate, it was fun while it lasted." Then he put the pop cans down just long enough to give Kate a big bear hug. That's the exact moment Olivia walked back in through the doors and all hell broke loose. Olivia shrieked from the door way, a high, cat like growl just before she leapt into action. Running full speed towards our group, three waiters , one waitress and 15 guests where unlucky enough to be caught in her path, as steamboat Olivia came crashing through the crowd, cursing & swearing at Nick the whole way. Trays and drinks went flying. Everything she touched went crashing and shattering to the ground in her wake. Nick had let go of Kate by this point, but it didn't give him enough time to cover his face. The Slap was so hard it was heard above the music. All eyes turned in unison to see where the shot had come from. Before she could wind up for another slap, a tall man in a dark grey suit appeared at her elbow. " Excuse me miss" he crooned holding her elbow "It would appear you are no longer happy with this imbecile, who it seems, is not man enough to know how to keep a beautiful woman happy. Perhaps, dear lady, I could offer you a better escort or perhaps a ride home?" Then he kissed her hand and sneered at Nick above her ring, raising one eye to his hairline in silent challenge. " I would Love that. We're through Nick" Olivia shrieked. "I never should have broken my rule about dating guys my age. You're all babies who don't know how to treat a woman right. Good luck with your wedding Kate" Olivia said turning on her,"with your lack of taste & style you'll need it"! Then she looped her arm through the strange man in grey's and left the building, knocking over two more trays as she went. Though we were all a little sorry for Nick's loss, I'm pretty sure everyone of us silently thanked The Lord that night for removing her so quickly from our midst.(32) All rights reserved T. Milne Everyone but Nick, who looked thunderstruck and sad. Only one other person in the crowd watching knew how Nick felt. She had been the date of the man in the grey suit. This is her story too. Mike's Aunt Irene was a lovely widow in her early fifties. After the love of her life died suddenly from a massive heart attack two years earlier, Irene found she could no longer stay in the marital home. Too many memories, she said, and so she sold her house and moved to be closer to her sister (Mike's mom) vowing to invest in her future happiness instead of staying within the walls of her past. Irene was attractive, smart, generous and highly creative. It didn't take her long to find a new home, and start a flower shop business of her own , by converting the lower level of her house. I met Irene the night of the Jack & Jill ,first while waiting in the buffet line, then at our table, when Mike introduced us and later on in the Ladies' Room. Yes, another ladies room pow wow, but in my defence,if you've ever been in one ,then you'll know how much of an alternate universe it can become to comfortably divulge private information to perfect strangers. It's how a lot of women clear their pain. Sometimes just talking it out can give a girl the perspective she needs to see another side to the story or an alternative solution to feeling lousy. I knew she'd arrived with the man in grey, and after our brief conversation in the bathroom, I offered her a ride home, and slipped her my card just as she was getting out of my car in front of her house. She smiled and patted my hand, saying "Thank You Dear, I'll think about it. Here, you take my card too, if you ever need flowers, call me, I'll give you the family discount". We said our good nights but it wasn't until just before the wedding that Irene finally called me for an appointment. As luck would have it, I had a great excuse to go see Nick first (courtesy of Kate) and though I wasn't quite sure if he would open up and talk to me, I figured that at least he would know he was not all alone in the world. I knew something was really wrong with Nick when he opened the door. Gone was the twinkle in his eyes ,which now sported dark circles beneath them , and he looked like he had lost a few pounds. His normally tidy appearance was scruffy with an overgrown beard & a pungent mix of BO & Axe Spray that yelled keep away to my nose, even as I leaned in for a hug in greeting. His voice was gravely and his shoulders were hunched. Nick was a poster boy for "The Dumped", no wonder Kate was worried about him, so she'd sent me to his place on an errand to return his mom's crockpot. I handed him the pot Kate had borrowed, passing on a bouquet of fresh flowers as a way to say thanks. He invited me in for a coffee. We walked through an immaculate living room with plastic covered furniture, into an equally immaculate kitchen. Nick cringed as his phone began dancing across the table, announcing an incoming call. The look Nick gave his phone told me he was being phone stalked. I picked it up saying I thought it was such great technology, but did it ever turn off completely?" (33) All rights reserved T. Milne He said "ya" very quietly and showed me how. No more trouble from that phone. It took two minutes for the land line to start ringing. He let the answering machine get it. Nick sighed a huge sigh, shaking his head gently back and forth. "Been tough?" I asked, that's all it took to open the door. "You have no idea! She nuts! Nuts! I just don't know what to do anymore. When she was my girlfriend, sure, she wasn't fun some of the time, and ya, she was always correcting me, or calling me loser, but at least she didn't hound me 24/7! She left me, remember ! That part doesn't matter to her apparently, she thinks it's small of me to hold one night against her. That's what she thinks, it's one night! Despite the fact that she fricken humiliated me, smacking me in front of my Mom, my friends! Then leaving with that, that...old man!" He took a big gulp of hot coffee and burned his tongue. "Argh!" he yelled at the ceiling. Then he took a few deep breaths and forced himself to calm down. " This is my life now," Nick said in defeat, "and I'm tired of it. I've become a magnet for disaster! I bump into everything, I've burned the roof of my mouth, cut my hands, bumped my toes, nicked myself shaving, so I stopped shaving and I think I broke my toe with the soap the last time I showered. My phone goes off 24/7 and there is just no making sense to her. Olivia refuses to admit that she needs to change a few things too, and I don't want to get back together until we work it out, but now I'm wondering if I should just give in. Ya know, just for peace again." He took just a sip of coffee this time, and then said " I don't know what to do any more". That's when I said maybe I could help, and asked him if he had more coffee. He made a joke about caffeine therapy, but he returned with the coffee pot to top us both up. While he was doing this, I took out my deck of cards and a small orange stone. I shuffled through the cards, soaking them with my energy as I connected to my guides. When Nick returned, I spread the cards in an arch & asked him to pick ten from anywhere in the deck. We flipped them over and The Queen of Spades led a merry parade of other bad news spades, topped off with some clubs featuring money and connections. "The Queen of Spades" I told him," is an interesting woman. She comes in every shape and size. Every eye colour and hair colour & mixture you can imagine, but they all have one thing in common, DarkEnergy. They're Drama Queens at heart. They are experts on conditional love and often have a well developed martyr complex when it comes to doing good deeds for others. They will help when they want and sabotage and undermine when they don't want you to succeed. Their whims change daily because their Ego is in charge. Everyone has an Ego. The Ego's job is to protect The Spirit. It does this by creating beliefs and labels that help us cope with the environment we are living in. Most of Ego's labels get made during our formative years, however we bind ourselves to these labels by calling them beliefs & carry them into adulthood. Many people just like you Nick, take ownership of their behaviour and how it may impact another. We are aware & responsible with our energy. (34) All rights reserved T. Milne We are aware of our "good qualities and "not so good" ones. Everyone has an internal list of "good and bad" or " admirable and less admirable" qualities they like or dislike about themselves. Nice Guys have learned over time,that they prefer the results they get from leading with their strengths instead of their weaknesses. Vamps learn to force others to adapt to their less admirable qualities. They like keeping people off balance, because they are imbalanced in their Ego. All humans lead with our strengths, because we like the results they bring. Its just that an Energy Vampires strength lies in their ability to lie to themselves & others. When left unchallenged by others, this need to manipulate over time ,forms the perspective of entitlement. The pattern is often put into place early, sometime in the first five years of life. By this point, the child has already discovered strategies that serve to get them the most attention at any given time. They never have to learn self regulation. They never have to learn how to move beyond being told No, and finding alternative ways to appease or amuse themselves. So there are certain aspects of her behaviour that you are requiring from her to move forward, that she just has no use for. Do you see? A child gets tied into and effected by their ability to get love from others. Whenever love was conditional, Ego stepped in to cushion Spirit from the outside condition causing pain. Imbalanced Ego comes when beliefs get formed that leave us feeling more important than everyone else or beneath, not worthy of everyone else. Both are imbalanced approaches to life. The Queen & King of Spades have Imbalanced Ego. They are those people who've developed different coping skills and Ego Talk in order to justify their feeling good at any cost. They know no other way, and often they are happy at another's expense if it means wish fulfillment for them. I believe in the end ,the Energy Vamp wants is what everyone else wants, Love and Attention. Which is not a bad thing at all. It's how they go about it that is often objectionable. Whether they are a close friend or a love partner, with an Energy Vamp, all change will be required by you. They will not change. They're o.k. with how they go about getting love because it works for them, even if its just for a limited time. When things begin to degenerate or their flaws get pointed out, they will always blame everyone else. It is their Ego's defence mechanism. Listen closely to their excuses and you will hear justification, not apology. Their imbalanced Ego will always find a way to make them right, and you wrong, it's how they survive. They like results, not the morals behind balanced exchange." I said. "So you're saying that she will never change?" Nick said glumly."Not under her current mentality & feelings of entitlement over everyone else, NO." I said, "Plus, have you ever considered, it's not your job to change her, anymore than it's her job to change you?" Nick didn't like that one, but it didn't take him long to see my point. "Whether you meant to or not,you're giving love conditionally too. It's the same thing she's been offering you, if you meet all my conditions, exactly as I say, I will love you".(35) All rights reserved T. Milne " Is it any wonder there is no harmony in your romance with Olivia? You're two people who's conditions aren't being met, and all each of you want is for the other person to change their mind & give in. Is that what you are looking for from your dating experience?" I asked Nick gently. "War?" "No," he said very quietly, " no, that's not what I want. I didn't realize I was doing the same thing to her she's been doing to me, but you're right. That's what I have been doing isn't it? I liked some of her enough to overlook the other stuff I didn't like, but deep down I have always been hoping she would change", he said still looking lost. " Ya, I know, but instead of expecting this one person to change to your design, is it possible there is already another person, perfectly designed to fit into your world, just waiting to be found? What if there was someone who didn't need changing? Do you think that kind of romance would be more fun?Nick, expecting Olivia to change because you don't like some of her personality is not your job, or your right, it's Olivia's job. Just the same as it's for you to decide how and who you will be, not hers. Free will zone, remember. You are the only one in charge of you." I said, sitting back."So if there is really any part of you that cares for that girl, then let her go. It is clear you are not her ideal partner, and that she is not yours. Call a truce on trying to change her and simply accept that she has the right to choose how she will behave and your right is to choose to hang out with that energy or not. Discernment is knowing what's not good for you. Judgement is believing you have the right to choose what is not good for another. Don't keep beating yourself up because this one didn't work out. You didn't suit, there were reasons, lots & lots of them. Discovering these dislikes can help you hone in on a clearer list of do likes. That list will help you find a partner better suited to your romantic partner requirements. If you just let go, no guilt, no regret, just a thanks for the lesson, have a nice life & good luck, will serve you better than trying to change you or her. I smiled at Nick then, I could see the wheels spinning, I had given him a lot of mental candy to chew on. I shuffled the cards once more and asked him to pull another seven cards. This time the question was is there a better suited romantic partner out there for Nick? The first card to pop out was a shiny Queen of Clubs. She was surrounded by several hearts and a few diamonds. I described to Nick a woman with dark hair & eyes who was very good with money. More than likely a professional woman, working in a male dominated industry. She will have both a good head for figures and level heart for love. She may take a while to warm up to you, but once her heart is given to someone, she is a loyal, dedicated and passionate companion. Look for her to show up in the next 12 weeks."(36) All rights reserved T. Milne "Finally" I said handing him the small orange stone, "this is a sunstone. It will help you return to your sunny disposition and outlook more quickly. Just tuck it in your pocket, and any time in the next few weeks your brain or heart pull out "The Olivia File" rub the rock, and release the thought. You can send a wish she finds someone better suited, then send another that you find someone better suited to you. Stop playing phone tag, stay away from your old haunts for a while, and get out with people who already like who you are, no conditions. This will remind you of your finer qualities. Any adjustments that you decide to make to your approach to conditional love is for you to decide. When you start remembering your finest qualities, any adjustments will be complimentary & easy." I said looking at my watch, I'd been there over half an hour, and I could see I had given Nick a lot to think about. " I gotta go, thanks for the coffee" I said retrieving my cards,"if you ever need someone neutral to talk to, here's my number. It's gonna be ok Nick, you'll see." Then I hugged him again ( sorry nose) and left there feeling like I had at least planted some seeds of hope. In the weeks that followed we started seeing Nick a whole lot more. He even organized a golf tournament for the wedding party, girls too, because he had missed out on all the fun at the Jack & Jill. Somewhere around the ninth hole, Nick got hit by a ball that came flying from out of no where and smoked him right in the back of his head. A minute later a petite brunette in a bright pink t-shirt & white shorts, came running up to see if anyone had been hurt. Nick was holding the back of his head, and made some comment about her owing him a drink for pain, suffering and a possible concussion. She took him up on it loading him and his clubs into one of the carts and driving straight to the club house. By the time the rest of us arrived, they were laughing like two old friends. Nick was now sporting a bag of frozen peas on the back of his head and a smile as bright as the sun on the front. It turns out she's a golf pro with a thriving business, just new in town. She liked golf, dogs & kids, and it turns out a soft spot for guys named Nick. Often, we have to make room for the new before the new arrives. Though it is true that all personal relationships, whether they are romantic in nature or based on friendship, or professional cooperation, need Compromise to help guide them through the delicate exchange of energy & information. When the exchange happens in a place where mutual trust and admiration have been established this is always more easily achieved. However, even when dealing with those individuals unwilling or unable to compromise, it is imperative that we at the very least stay authentic & true to ourselves. Knowing that Conditional Love only brings more conditions, makes it easier to walk away or at the very least, draw incredibly tight boundaries that exclude personal sharing. It's the conditions we place upon ourselves that can work for or against us, not someone else's. (37) All rights reserved T. Milne Chapter 6 The Kings of Drama Call; The backhanded compliment. Markings; Every shape,size & description but always very negative or dark energy. Habitat; Everywhere Hunting Style; Sweet, the Sour. These kings win you over with kindness, then abuse their position. Smart, eloquent & domineering, this man likes feeling power over others. Masters at deception and distraction.
A Weasel in The Hen House. The story of Irene A few days before the actual wedding, everyone's nerves had been stretched to their limit. The Underminer Majors and Jane & Monty kept Kate so busy with changing last minute details,( things that had already been decided on like seating charts & food choices) so she asked me to head over to Aunt Irene's Flower Boutique to make a last minute request for "freesia to be added to the bride's bouquet". I nearly swallowed my tongue when I arrived just in time to see the man in grey from the party, leaving in a hurry. His choppy steps and quick pace made it appear as if he were running on more legs than two. Like a large centipede he scurried to his car and drove away. I waited a few minutes before heading in. I thought to give Irene some time to compose herself, as the man who just left had not looked very happy. Three tiny bells over the door chimed a greeting at my arrival and I walk into the renovated home, now flower shop, not quite sure what to expect. Irene came through a door way on my left, a look of terror on her face before she fully computed it was me, not the man in grey. She heaved a huge sigh if relief, then burst into tears. She stood frozen in place, lower lip wobbling, eyes overflowing and a heaving chest that was trying hard to keep all sound from escaping. I walked over to the door and turned the sign around in the window stating she'd be back in 15 minutes. Then I gentle took her by the arm and lead her to some comfy chairs she had arranged by a window that looked out onto a bird bath. She sat staring out the window, still crying silently, her eyes such a blur of tears, it was easy to tell she wasn't able to see anything clearly right now. I wandered around until I found a box of tissue, then came back and just sat with her for a few minutes, gently rubbing the back of her hand. (38) All rights reserved T. Milne I said things like there, there and it's going to be all right now, rubbing her back until she started to come away from the dark tears and back into the light. Five minutes later she was blowing her nose, and standing up saying "I could use a nice cup of tea dear, how about you?" I told her I would love one, then followed her upstairs and into a fairy book living space. Irene had decorated her space with sparkling silver boughs all throughout her home. Small crystals and ornaments hung in windows topped off with fluffy white curtains. All of her furniture was overstuffed and super comfortable, with feminine accents here and there that really showed off Irene's softer side and artistic talent. We got our teas and came back into her living room to sit. It was a lovely home, and I told her so. That's when she started to tear up again, quickly grabbing a tissue. "At least we like it. I'm told it is too over powering and fanciful for a man's sensibilities, and that if I really want a man in my life again I should get rid of all these nick-knacks." She said looking around her home with a critic's eye. "Maybe he's right", she said finally. " Maybe who's right?" I asked. "Oh, just someone I met recently," she said. "He wouldn't be the someone who stormed out of here a few minutes before I arrived would he?" I asked gently, "I'm sorry, I saw him go, I just didn't know if he was angry or naturally grim." I said this honestly for although I knew he had been with her at the Jack&Jill, I didn't know the scope of their acquaintance. " Oh," she said, then " yes, that was Cormorant. He, well, he and I met a little while ago. He, I find him very attractive physically. I haven't felt this way about a man since my husband died. I swear when we first met, I felt like a young girl again, I, well, he, he was such a gentleman at first. So sophisticated, so dashingly charming, and kind of aloof. He was so attentive, so, um, observant of every detail. Praising me, wooing me, making me feel like there was no one else in the world he found more interesting than me. Cormorant can be very romantic when he chooses, and in the beginning, he chose to a lot. What can I say, I liked the attention." She said taking a sip of tea. She got this far off look in her eyes as she spoke, replaying the happy memories in her mind with some fondness. I felt for her, it sounded lovely. Especially for a Queen of Hearts like her. Romantic by nature, she Loved The whole idea of falling in Love, Being In Love, Living In Love. She's a lady who is so kind hearted that she can celebrate others Romance's, just as much as she enjoys having her own. Sweet, kind, funny and smart, Irene was a great lady! Any man would be lucky to have her in his life. But lucky men don't tend to leave their lady loves a crying mess, so what was the rest of Cormorant's story? I poured some more tea for both of us and asked what happened?(39)
All rights reserved T. Milne " You know, for the life of me, I don't know!" she said frustratedly, " A few months ago,everything was fantastic, then he went away for a few days on a business trip. We spoke on the phone each night he was away. I'd spend an hour listening to each small detail of his day, but when it came to my turn to share, he would have to go. I didn't think much of it,as I was run off my feet that week with orders, but when he returned he was different. That Friday, we had plans to go out for dinner. He said he would pick me up at 7. I waited until 9:30 before I finally gave up and changed into my PJs. I was devastated, I have never been stood up before. My head was a mess, trying to figure out what I had missed. I started raking over every conversation to see if I said something wrong. He called the next morning at 11:30. He said he had fallen asleep waiting for 7 because "I just had to stay open until 6 that night didn't I?"He said I should have been more considerate of his travel schedule and not insisted we see each other that night. He said he hoped it didn't inconvenience me in any way, but I should be use to Friday nights at home.Can you believe it?" Irene said, " he stands me up, then blames me? I was so mad I told him I wouldn't be any more trouble on his schedule as I never wanted to see him again and hung up the phone. I wandered around that whole weekend mad as a hornet. Snapping at everyone, it was awful. I didn't feel like myself at all". She said. "Took me a whole week to start feeling normal again. Then Cormorant sent me flowers, then chocolates, then jewelry, then a mariachi band, all begging me to give him another chance. " He was so sorry he said. He would never act like such an unfeeling moron ever again. I caved, it was just so romantic, I couldn't think of any good reasons why I shouldn't give him another try. So I brought him to the Jack & Jill. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said, and he honestly seemed thrilled and excited by the idea of escorting me to a family function. He sent flowers, picked me up in a limo, there was even some champagne to sip on the way! We had a lovely ride there, he complimented me on my hair and dress, I told him he looked dashingly handsome as usual. We walked in there happy enough, but shortly after meeting my sister, he got really weird." "We had just finished eating when he took me by the hand & asked me to follow him. He had been so romantic up until that point, I was smitten all over again, and I followed him happily. He took me to the back, to the restrooms. He told me he wanted to take me in there and make me his. Right then, right there. We had barely exchanged a few kisses, and I was not near ready for what he was proposing. I told him so, explained that I didn't want our first encounter to be in a banquet hall bathroom. I told him I liked him very much, but in no way was I going to do what he was proposing." He just stood there, staring at me for the longest time. Then he started to look me up and down, almost like I was a piece of meat. It made me most uncomfortable. (40) All rights reserved T. Milne He still hadn't said anything, just took my hand and led me toward a large mirror at the end of the hall. He stood behind me, and starred at our reflection, stroking my arm ever so gently." Then he said "do you know what I see?" I shook my head, " he said " when I look at you I see aging beauty. How long before all of the bloom has left your skin and your cheeks sink in like bad paper mâché? How sad you have no passion, no imagination, no fire. Do you have any idea how many women would jump at the offer I just made you? Did you think I went to all of this trouble for nothing? How are you the only one who can not see you're not getting any younger? I was doing you a favour, you know? I was willing to alter my standards, I usually like my women much younger. But I foolishly thought that we suited in enough areas that I could overlook the crow's feet or the sagging breasts. I thought you wanted me too, I thought you were an adult woman, But really Irene, what am I to think now? You don't want me, that's fine. Your choice, I was getting rather board with you anyway. Good Old Irene. So stable, So Needy! I really do need a bit more of a challenge." He said fixing his tie. Then kissing me on the cheek he said, " no hard feelings old girl, but you'll have to find yourself another ride home. I'm afraid I've just spotted better game." And with that he walked away from me and right up to that screaming mess who was making that poor young man's evening so equally horrible." "Wow, Irene" I said, " it sounds like you have been through the wringer and then some. Wanna hug?" I asked. When she nodded, I went over and sat down beside her hugging her in close. "Sound's like an Energy Vampire." I said, " when she asked what I was talking about, I explained my take on things. "He's an Energy Vampire you know, people who love messing with other people's minds and hearts for what looks like no good reason." "There is no good reason to do what he did!" She said adamantly. "No, not from our Nice Guy perspective there isn't, but he doesn't look at life the same way we do.Cormorant and people like him, don't play by the same rules of equality, they prefer entitlement." "You wounded his pride Irene. His pride is all wrapped up in His Ego. His ego's job is to protect his spirit from having it's feelings hurt. Often the more sensitive the soul, the Louder Ego becomes as a defence strategy. He will hurt you, before you can hurt him. Deep down he is afraid of being unlikeable, unloveable, just like the rest of us, but instead of sharing that vulnerability & trusting the right people to treat him with care and consideration, he pretends there is no vulnerability in him, just everyone else." I said gently. (41) All rights reserved T. Milne "Irene," I said holding her hand gently in mine, " Cormorant has learned to believe that to be vulnerable and open is to be weak. When he's weak, he gets hurt, he doesn't want to be hurt, so he attacks before someone can attack him. So although he may have a romantic streak, he judges his gentleness as a weakness, and tries to control his love instead of sharing it.He's really just a big scaredy cat. But that's not your problem to solve or your job to fix, and it is certainly not good for you to enable the behaviour by letting him go on being an emotional bully in the name of a second chance, then a third, over and over until one of you gets it right. Let's do a quick round of true or false. " I said. "True or False, He has made it quite clear the love he offers is conditional?" "True", she said." True or False, he has shown you he will not take responsibility for his screw ups? "True" True or False, before he came into your life, you liked how you were running things? "True" she said. True or False meeting Cormorant re inspired you to consider welcoming a romance back into your life? "True" True or False you always buy the first dress that you see, even if it's not your size? "Wait, what?" she laughed. "What does buying a dress have to do with it? Irene said chuckling. "Just answer" I said "you'll see" "False, that would be silly" she said. "I agreed, it would seem like a very silly thing to do. After all, it would defeat the purpose of finding something new, something to reflect how great you feel about yourself, something flattering to your figure and your style. You'd want to try it on, give it a twirl or two, maybe even try on a few other dresses for comparison, wouldn't you"? "Well yes dear, I probably would. I mean who buys a dress that might not fit, or look good on them, without trying it on first?" You could almost see the lightbulb go off over her head. She started to laugh saying. "So why am I trying to force a fit with Cormorant without trying anything else on? He is clearly not offering me the kind of romance or stability that I like." Smiling she said, "I want A gentleman. I want to be treated like a lady. I want a gentle man. One who will let me take my time to get close to them." she said sitting up a little straighter. "Irene, would you define your romance with Cormorant as stable?" I asked her "No, more like an emotional roller coaster or a scary funhouse, fake mirrors, trap doors and things jumping out of the dark", she said laughing. Her humour was returning, always a good sign. "Well if that behaviour doesn't suit your romantic style, why force it?(42) All rights reserved T. Milne Wouldn't it be easier, now that you know you'd like a new romance, to go out and try a few romances on until you find one that fits. A hand made one, instead of off the rack"? "You know, when you put it that way, it seems silly to continue this game of cat and mouse with Cormorant. He will never see my side, never understand why all he has to offer isn't good enough for me. I want more.I want a man who suits my style better, and you're right, Cormorant simply doesn't suit my emotional needs, I've been suiting his romantic ones." "Right, and you don't have to make him the villain, you don't have to fight him to prove anything, You just have to let go and move forward better advised on your likes and dislikes', I said giving her another hug. My tea was done, it was time to go. Returning me to the front door, Irene turned to me and said "Come to think of it, I should thank him for helping me at least be willing to put my feet back in the dating pool." "Well, it's a big shift, & I'm proud of you Irene, but maybe keep that one to yourself, Cormorant's ego would only see that as a challenge and try to defend him. He can be mean when his ego is defending and you've had enough mean for one year." " Here is a neat tip that works," I said remembering the Freesia change, "You take his name and write it on a piece of paper. Then you call on Archangel Michael and explain why you would like this person removed from your life. Ask him to freeze Cormorant out of your life. For your highest good and for the highest good of all concerned. Then take the paper and tuck it in the back of your freezer. Give it a few days, you'll be pleasantly surprised by the effects. It works! That's all I can tell you. " I said offering her one of her own floral cards and a pen. We did it together ,tucking the paper with Cormorant's names in the back of the freezer. We added a bonus prayer to please send her a nice King of Hearts, someone better suited to her romantic needs. On the night of the wedding, Irene met a man. A really, really nice man. Reginald, owned a horse farm and a garden centre in cottage country, just north of the city. It was clear to the rest of us that Reginald was completely and utterly smitten with her. Before the night was through he had taken it upon himself to arrange a wedding party weekend get away at his home/cottage. He was sure to include Mike's folks, and of course he hoped most ardently that the "Enchanting Irene, would be free to join them that weekend". They were married by Christmas and honeymooned in Hawaii. They now run a thriving bed and breakfast, along with their new garden centre that specializes in roses of every shape size & description. I Love happy endings, don't you? As for Cormorant and Olivia, I heard through the family grape vine that they had gone to Paris together, only to have her return three months later alone. Pregnant & miserable, Olivia moved back in with her folks . Last I heard, Olivia was (43) All rights reserved T. Milne Spending thousands of their savings to suit Cormorant for half of what he was worth, claiming it was for their child. She also needed funding for juniors baby modelling career, especially if he was ever going to break into acting. Poor kid. The things about the Drama Kings and Queens of the world is, they will always have something going wrong in their lives. There is never a good time to break bad news or break ties and walk away from their toxic brand of love, for there will always be a crisis of one kind or another. Once you've spent some time with them, it's easy to see most of their troubles are by their own design. Again, it is not for us to rescue them from themselves or change them to our design, for that is then Us participating in conditional love, and the two things guaranteed by conditional love are #1 The Conditions can never be met because #2 The Conditions are always changing. When Ego runs the show, often one person is left feeling the effects of the imbalance. When resolution or compromise just isn't possible, walking away and never looking back is always the best course of action. When it comes to The Drama Queens & Kings of the world, they will always have another tragedy either occurring, or about to go down. Many Nice Guys and Gals can get stuck in the mentality that if we don't love them who will? Or we could fall into rescue mode, if we don't save them from themselves, who will? Either approach is like offering a your juggler to a cobra, chances are pretty good, you're about to get really hurt. Once again, it is an important reminder to all that The Energy Vampire will justify their behaviour not take responsibility for any damage their choices or words may cause. They expect others to "get over it" or become so über forgiving, that the donor or love interest can begin to build resentment from the one way flow of compromise. The danger of being in love with these Vamps, is The Nice Guys usually burning desire to make the Vamp see things their way, just once, that can leave a us open and vulnerable to regular attacks by their Vamp. Walk away before you are too weak to do so. Release the need to label yourself or them, and try seeing it as invaluable information for next time you run into a Vamp you find attractive. Remember, You are here to Discern not Judge. Discerning is knowing what is good or not good for you. Judging is deciding what is good or not good for another and then making them change to your will. This is Conditional Love, and it never works.(44)
All rights reserved T. Milne
Chapter 7; Edelweiss, The Healing of Kate. That still left Kate. She was exhausted,and although it was only a few weeks before her weeding, Kate sounded sad, not excited when I spoke to her. I invited her over to my place for a home cooked meal and some one to one time. When I invited her I asked if she had any photos of her childhood? She said yes, she had three albums, so I asked her to bring them along with her when she came to see me. I said it would be fun to take a trip down her memory lane. She just laughed and said I must be crazy. Though I hadn't seen Kate lately, the reports I had been hearing from others had me worried for her state of mental health. Kate, it seemed had become very short tempered with her staff & Mike. Suddenly impossible standards seemed to be in place and overtime was a regular occurrence, at the office as Kate demanded more and more from her small staff. It was Mike who finally called me to see if I could help his lady love. I prepared for our evening by making seven miniature boats out of rice paper and buying a new unused photo album, and a dream catcher from the store. I was really hoping this exercise would help Kate remember who she was before her family's latest round of attacks. I was stunned when I opened the door to a Kate that was barely recognizable from the girl who had asked me to be in her wedding party just months before. Here we were only a few weeks away from the Big Day but the constant Vamp attacks had taken there toll. Gone was all her sparkle, instead Kate had massive dark circles under both eyes, and a bright red nose that looked as painful as the cold sore now bursting from her upper lip. Her hair was longer, and a dull brown that made her head look like she'd just escaped from a man eating mud puddle. The colour drowned out her complexion, leaving her pale & yellowish. She'd lost ten pounds, was dressed all in black and was eerily starting to look like her sister Jane. Mike had called me just in time! When she opened her mouth to say "hi", her voice was gravelly and raw. She hadn't even made it through my whole name, when she began to cough so hard she was gasping for air by the time she was done. Under her arm were three photo albums. One that was baby blue and two were pink & red . It appeared that just arriving had exhausted whatever energy Kate had left. She muffled a sneeze, saying she thought she might be coming down with a cold, groaning she'd be sick for her honeymoon. (45)
All rights reserved T. Milne She was showing all the signs of being a Vamp Donor. Kate was in bad shape. A glass of wine, some light food and even lighter conversation seemed to settle her nerves and she visibly relaxed after about 30 minutes in my company,but it was almost an hour before I sat down beside her and asked to see her pictures. On my lap was my empty photo album, she gave me a "you're so weird " look but said nothing, opening the baby blue photo album first. There she was, the prettiest baby I had ever seen all bundled in a soft blue blanket. There was Kate's mom, 25 years earlier,looking the same as she did only a few weeks ago, unhappy and about to say something sour. Perhaps that was pain I was seeing, so I asked Kate if it had been a long labour? She said, "Not really. According to the story I've always been told, my parents were at my sister Jane's first grade talent show when mom's water broke. Jane hadn't come on stage yet, and my mother swears she would have sat in that puddle all night and waited if she hadn't been forced to go to the hospital right away by my father. "He had been expecting a boy you see," she said turning the page." and he didn't want to take any chances, as Jane's birth had been breach and they had almost lost her. So he raced mom to the hospital. I was born a 9:01 that night. Just enough time, mom said, to make sure I made her miss her first child's talent show. Jane had a total melt down in front of everyone when she couldn't find our parent's in the audience. Our neighbour brought her to the hospital later.The doctors there said they'd never seen a baby come so fast but Mom said my timing couldn't have been worse." She took a long drink of wine and sighed. A history of guilt, what a nice thing to pass on to one's daughter. (Said no one ever) Who were these people? Only the very oldest old schooler's still believed in parenting through guilt and shame. The next picture featured a small Jane on the scene. Her angry little face glaring up at whom ever was taking the picture. All three, Mother and Her 2 offspring were on the hospital bed, posing for the going home picture. Kate, dressed in a baby blue jumper, is fast asleep in her mother's arms, but her mom is looking at Jane, not the camera, scowling as she says something to the little girl. It is not a happy scene, but it spoke volumes to what life was like for them at home. Not a lot of happy memories. The next 10 pictures all featured Jane and the new baby. In each shot, Jane is covering Kate's face somehow. Kate's teddy bear, a pillow, Jane's hand all managed to blur out the tiny features of the baby in blue. A troubling smirk , and that twinkling in her eye told all who dared to look, just how bad she really felt about her behaviour. Finally, on the fifth or sixth page was a picture with a good memory. (46) All rights reserved T. Milne " This was my Gram," Kate said with a winsome smile as she lightly stroked the face in the picture. Smiling up at us was an almost carbon copy of Kate, only dressed in funny clothes and with a wacky hair style. But the eyes, cheek bones, the chin and even the little dimple on the right cheek were all exactly alike. I love genetics, don't you? Kate's mirror image smiled lovingly down at the little bundle, now in pink, in her arms. Kate's grandmother looked spell bound and I knew I was witnessing someone falling in love. I slid it out of the blue album and into the Empty one on my lap. Kate didn't notice, lost in thought. "I loved her so much!" Kate said taking another sip of wine, her eyes tearing over. I asked how long she had been gone. "Just two years," Kate said. "A couple of years after I met Mike, I lost Gram. She always liked him so much. One of the last things she said to me is don't let that one get away. I wish she was here to see me and Mike get married. She would have made everything better. She would know what to say to my mom and sister to get them to back off a little bit. My Gram always had a way with those two. Loosing her was the worst thing I have ever been through. I just don't know how I would have gotten through it without Mike. Is there any message from her?" Kate asked a little bit shyly. Suddenly I had a flash of small white flowers on a mountain side, edelweiss! "Edelweiss, edelweiss,every morning you great me." played in my head so I began to sing out loud, but off key. Kate's whole face lit up with a radiant smile. "The Sound of Music was her Favourite movie. We watched it together a few days before she passed." Wiping one lone tear from her cheek, Kate looked up at the ceiling and said " thanks Gram, I needed that, Ok, lets keep going" she said. We looked through two more albums after that. Each time Gram was in the picture, the memory was a happy one, and I would remove it from it's old home and place it in it's new one. When she asked me what I was doing, somewhere around the third picture removal, I explained we were rewriting the story of Kate, where she's "the heroine of the story" and " not the troll under the bridge". "This will help you remember to like who you really are, instead of reminding you of things you'd rather forget." I told her. Once she knew the goal of the exercise she was in. As you can well imagine, her parents only made a few spots in the new book, her sister only made one. It was a Christmas shot and I guess Jane was still young enough that Santa's presence made an impact on her behaviour. Too bad we couldn't ship her up to the North Pole and let him take it from there. Never the boy her father had wanted, and never as perfect as Jane, Kate learned early on how to fly under the radar and attract as little attention to herself as possible, for the attention she did get was cruel and belittling. (47) All rights reserved T. Milne All through school and well into her teenage years, Kate had struggled with a weight issue. Finally tired of all of the teasing, Kate had spent a whole summer at a camp designed to help kids loose weight fast and by the beginning of her senior year she was a trim and healthy size 9 to compliment her 5'1 frame, but she still suffered with terrible low self esteem. Before Mike came along,only her grandmother had ever provided Kate with affection & unconditional love. It was Gram who believed in her so much she paid for Kate's college education when her parents refused to and even sent her on a tour of Europe when she graduated with honours from High school. Gram, was Unconditional Love personified! The third album we left alone as it featured only pictures of her and Mike. They had met in their freshman year in college, when his parents moved here from Seattle. Not knowing about her weighty history, all Mike saw was a beautiful, shy blond with brains and he pursued her for months before she finally gave in and agreed to go out with him. "Why so long?" I asked looking at the young faces so in love they only had eyes for each other. "I thought it was a joke." She said shaking her head. " I really believed that someone had put him up to it, because none of the boys had ever done anything but pick on me until then. Then Mike came along, and my whole world changed for the better." Her voice had begun to improve as she shared her happy stories, and the colour started returning to her cheeks. We finished off the last photo album, and the last of the wine, with story after wonderful story of her years with Mike. I said it sounded like they really Loved each other, and she said " Ya" in this dreamy kind of voice. Then Kate got really quiet. After a few minutes of just sitting in companionable silence Kate turned to me and asked, "Why does it have to be so hard?" I asked " why does what have to be so hard?" " My folks," she sighed, "why is it so hard for them to love me?" Kate said very softly. When she began to cry, she cried softly at fist, "like a lady" and then harder and harder, until great heaving sobs shook her body as she let all her pain and frustration out into the open. She cried out for wounds that she had carried around for a lifetime, finally letting them be named and bathed with her tears so they could be healed and washed away once and for all. It was brave of her. It is important to remember that whatever we do not acknowledge inside ourself, cannot be brought into the Light of Truth to be healed and released. This was powerful work that Kate was doing . Getting in touch with some really old feelings and giving them an outlet was allowing Kate to release herself from mental and emotional knots of guilt that were making life hard. Hard for her to accept herself as likeable, as loveable enough because her parents didn't seem to think so. I held her while she wept, handing her tissues as she needed them. (48) All rights reserved T. Milne When the tears finally started to trickle dry, and the hiccup stage set in 20 minutes had gone by. I got up and got her a glass of water, a cold flannel for her forehead and a cookie to ease her hiccups.Then sitting back down next to her I asked, "How many people can you say unequivocally Love you . Right now?" "I don't know, I mean, I know Mike Loves me." She said looking rumpled and forlorn. " Who else?" I asked. " No one!" She cried, "No that's wrong, oh, I just don't know anymore, I'm so confused , I feel like I don't know anything! " she said blowing her nose and beginning to tear up once more. " Ok, well how about all the people who have agreed to stand up for you on your wedding day? Do you feel like we love you Kate?" I asked gently. "Ya, I guess, but I thought you meant like, romantic love." she said " Nope. The way I see it, "Love is Love" it can come in many forms, but with a basic spirit of mutual admiration and acceptance, don't you think? From this perspective we can have endless Love in our lives. There's the love of friendship, the love of kinship, compassion is a form of love, and so is empathy, sympathy, tolerance and kindness. Kate, there's lots people who already Love and Accept you the way you are, if you just look again. There's nothing wrong with you! Your folks are just one reflection!" "Huh, I never really thought about it that way before. In that case there are lots of people who "love me" I guess. My staff, my friends, my soon to be in laws, that nice man at the dress shop, the girl at the dry cleaners, my hair dresser, my dentist!" She said smiling the first genuine smile I had seen all night. "So let me ask you, do you think we're all crazy or just me?" I asked handing her a warm tea. " Just you!" She said laughing a little more, as she reached out and grabbed my hand. " You know I'm only joking right? I mean who else is crazy enough to want to hear about my childhood on purpose after meeting my parents?" " You have a point there", I teased back. "So if everyone but me isn't crazy, what do you think we see, that your parent's and sister don't ? What do we get ,that they don't seem to be able to? What do you think we see & like Kate?" She thought about that one for a while before saying," I don't know, I guess, you guys see and like the Real Me. The Bubbly Me I like to be, the Me I want to be, the Me I have worked so hard to become and that feels so good. You accept me as I am, and don't judge me by who I used to be, or make me feel bad when I screw up. You guys simply accept me as I am, and my family just doesn't & honestly wish I knew why, because I'm tired of trying to please my folks and never make them happy. I feel like a failure as a daughter no matter how hard I try, and I'm getting tired of trying." (49) All rights reserved T. Milne " In case you hadn't noticed," I said, " it's not just you. Your parents don't seem to like anyone. They don't even like each other, and I'm not sure if your definition of happy, will ever be the same as their's because you value different things at your core. Do you see? They don't like anything the way it is! It's a wonder they ever found each other, with all of that armour they carry around over their hearts. They don't trust the world Kate, and you do! That's why they try so hard to control it." She thought about that one for a minute and then said,"So you're trying to tell me they don't know how to like anything , so how can they like me?" she asked still unsure. "Yes and No. If you were someone who didn't like the world or themselves, how Uncomfortable do you think you'd be with the idea of anyone else being able to reach the goal of self esteem? It would bother your Ego. How dare others? If you yourself , had never been able to do it! The sad part is it's only because they've never taken the time to foster the qualities in their personalities that would bring them genuine interactions of love, they see no evidence of the world liking them unconditionally. So they make impossible conditions instead. So they won't get hurt, a false sense of superiority feels real when everyone around you is scrambling to make you happy. But if you asked them, they would honestly tell you this is how they think a good parent shows love, through control. Their Ego feels safe when they feel in control of their world." " Oh I see" she said " So they think it's loving, because control is all they know. Control is what they do, because they believe that is Good Parenting?"she said still unsure. "Yes, also ,their belief that as parents they have a duty to Make You Conform, to be good parents in the eyes of others. They feel Entitled; as parents, to behave however they want towards their kids, and parent with guilt and impossible conditions. Do you see? They don't know how to love and approve of you because , that's not their definition of "good parents". Jane is so much like them, they feel she needs no correction. It's her toxicity that spares her. Unfair but again, their style. They simply don't know how to Love you the way you want & need, because you value different things. So it's not that they don't love you, they just don't know how to love you in a way that feels good to you. Do you see the difference? One is judgement, the other is discernment. As an adult, It is completely up to you to set healthy boundaries for yourself, to be the captain of your own ship, so to speak." That's when I pulled out the basket of rice paper boats. "So, Miss Kate, what floats your boat? It is up to you whether you want to live by your design or another's. Your loyalty now lies with yourself first, and personally, I like the real Kate. I miss her and I bet Mike misses her too. You said before there are no do overs for your once in a lifetime wedding. (50) All rights reserved T. Milne Please consider how allowing your parents free rein to make you into someone you're not, might take away your once in a lifetime chance to make the happiest memories that you & Mike can. If you'll let me, I know a fun way for you to reclaim your authentic self.""How?" was all she said. I handed her a boat and said" we've rewritten your history books, now it's time to embrace who you are now, and who you will become. I want you to write your wishes and dreams for your career on this one." While she wrote, I prepared the next boat. "Ok, now I want you to write your hopes and dreams for your married life." Again, she wrote enough to cover the tiny piece of paper. Handing her the next boat, I said "On this one write the qualities or attributes that you most value in yourself". This one took a little longer, but she came up with at least ten things. "Now your favourite things about your life right now, and one for desires for the future that we haven't covered yet." Again, Kate filled the boats with writing. Taking each of the small boats as she completed them, I strung a fine red thread through the tip of each little stern. Then I attached them to the dream catcher that I'd bought with bright red feathers. It was odd and sweet at the same time, and Kate kind of laughed a bit when I handed it back to her. "This represents what floats your boat as of right now, the next time that you start forgetting who you are, by your definition, look at the words you have written here and get back onto your own chosen course again. Like who you are, I do". I said with a smile. Then I handed her another blank boat and said,"Now, on this I want you to write I Love You Mom And Dad. God, please Help me forgive them for not understanding me." She did as I asked, then handed the boat back. I gave her another and asked her write one for Jane as well. When she was done, we took a little walk down to the river near my house. "What are we going to do with these?" Kate asked, placing them in the river I said softly, " We're going to let go, and let God take care of the rest". We walked for a while longer and then headed back to my home. Kate decided to stay the night, and upon our return I told her I had one more message from her Gram. "What is it?" She asked excitedly! "Well, your Gram wanted to know, what have you done to your hair dear?" We laughed until our sides hurt. Then I helped her return her locks to their former blond status with a bottle of colour I "happened to have" lying around. In the days that followed, Kate returned to her old self. Her parents and sister hadn't changed,but Kate's perspective had. So while they continued to set ego traps and take ego trips all the way up until she said I Do, Kate remained calm, cool and collected. (51)
All rights reserved T. Milne None of those experiences had prepared me for the new wave of Energy Vampire roaming our World Wide Web. Because most of the physical cues people naturally read during conversation with another are missing from the average Internet interaction, it can be hard to spot these vamps at first. Hopefully this little story will help you see how to know when you have an energy vamp on line and what to do about it. In our next chapter we will cover a very detached but equally lethal Vamp. "The Techno Vamp"or online bully is not just a kid problem anymore. If you're on line, you're susceptible. Lets take a look at some of the most common characteristics, and hunting strategies. Chapter 7: "The Wise One"& Yellow Bellied Techno Sloth. .Common Domain ; The Worldwide Web, Twitter, Facebook, Emails &Cell Phones. Call; Cruelty posing behind "well meaning advice" or constructive criticism. Markings; Faceless, and quite often hiding behind a made up name, these Vamps allow technology to feed the idea that they are untouchable,allowing them to let their mean spiritedness out to play freely. They think it's fun. Display; These Vamps love to use personal statements for a bite! The physical displays are again hard to describe as all attacks happen on line, quite often incognito. Hunting Style; Confusion, Innuendo & The Psychic Burr. Undermine our self esteem through personal attack.
A Little Vampire Goes A Long Way. The Story of Kim. Kim was Kate and Mike's Maid of Honour and she was very kindhearted. Every time I saw her, she was smiling. It seemed that nothing could get Kim down, not her streak of bad romances after her failed marriage, or recently loosing her job and choosing to return to school. Kim just took everything that came her way in stride, while bolstering the rest of us with her wit and charm. Kim, was a Nice Guy through and through. About a month away from the wedding day, Kim called me. By that time , Kim had been dealing with her issue for over six weeks and it was driving her crazy, she really hoped I could help. (52) All rights reserved T. Milne Kate could tell something was wrong with Kim, but couldn't get what it was out of her, except it was sensitive. That's when Kate told Kim ,I had helped her with something sensitive once, and gave her my number. That had been two weeks before she finally got up the nerve to call, and I think she reached a point of such personal frustration she was willing to try anything. Even a psychic. So Kim called me. After some light chit chat I asked. "So what's up? I asked. "I feel like I'm going crazy". Kim said laughing with no humour. Kate said you could help. "Well I will do my very best." I said connecting with my guides quickly. " Tell me about what's been driving you crazy. and we'll take it from there. Ok?" I heard her sigh on the other end of the phone. I smiled and said a quick prayer that I would be able to help in some way. " Ok, thanks," Kim said, her voice slightly shaky. "In my head it all seems so crazy and sometimes, I feel like I'm making too big a deal out of it or something", Kim said. "It what?" I asked. "About 6 weeks ago, I nonchalantly mentioned I was between jobs when Jane's husband Monty cornered me and asked me what I do for a living. I instantly regretted saying anything to him, you know how mean he can be, but he surprised me by being really sweet and understanding. He told me of a time when he had been between jobs, and he spoke so eloquently, and showed so much empathy and emotion, I walked away from the exchange actually feeling badly about my previous dislike of him." Kim said. "I figured everyone deserves a second chance, and maybe he was one of those people you just needed time to get to know, and so when he asked for my text info to send me numbers of people he might know interested in hiring me, I honestly didn't think twice. I handed it right over, along with my home phone number and address. At first, I heard from him every few days, really positive uplifting messages that kept encouraging me to keep my hopes up and get out there and look for work. "He would send ideas, or ads he had seen. Then it became more than once a day. In between all of the texts were lunch invitations and after dinner rendezvous. He would always say "we", but whenever I got there, Jane would mysteriously be no where in sight. She always had another engagement and I was starting to feel uncomfortable about spending all this time alone with a married man, you know? So when he invited me away for a weekend , I declined. Telling him it didn't feel right without his wife." "That's when the tone of his emails started to change. His responses began to be mean spirited, insinuating that maybe there was something wrong with me, not the job market. He started making jokes that I just wasn't comfortable with and I told him so. Then I got an email that just blew me away." Kim said. "Oh," I said, "that's the one I want to hear about". " Hold your horses" she said, "So he wrote this in response to my email, that although I appreciated all his help, perhaps I might do better on my own for a while" she said sighing heavily. (53) All rights reserved T. Milne "I knew I'd still be in contact over the wedding, so I was being nice, you know? Then, he got even meaner and said that, maybe it was my communication style keeping me from a job. He went on to say that although I seemed to have a fairly average intelligence, it was clear I didn't have much of an education, and he felt sorry for me as it must be hard to have to settle on a limited life at only 23! I couldn't believe it! He doesn't even know me! How dare he insinuate I'm not smart enough to get a job.It just made me so mad! But I didn't know how to respond, so I said, thanks for his help, but no thanks, not wanting to be too rude because of the wedding ." Kim said, building up steam with her story." Apparently he didn't feel the same way. He's very comfortable being rude. It's like he gets off on it or something. It took me the whole day to get over his rudeness. Then two days after that, he sent me this link an English class on line, for $1200! I wrote back ,again saying thanks, but no thanks, not interested. Then I changed my settings and my Email address.Monty waited a few days, but he didn't going away. He actually contacted my mom somehow and took her out for lunch one day posing as a concerned friend! Can you believe the nerve!?" "This, after sending me seven more links to other courses he thought I could use, oh and a weight loss program he thought I should try! Then he gave my mom the same info! She's been up my nose about it ever since. That's when I officially reached my limit! Bugging me is one thing but contacting my mom! No way does that fall under things I have to put up with as Maid of Honour." She said angry now. "I agree!" I volunteered. "I just know he got my new email from my mom, because he sent another message saying it was clear I didn't know a good opportunity when I saw one, and that he and my other agree, if I wasn't willing to acknowledge my shortcomings, I probably wasn't going to be finding a job or a man anytime soon. Then he said that I should be a more thoughtful daughter. Can you believe the nerve?" Kim said outraged. "You're right, that's some nerve, but he's one person out of how many & what did he expect you to say to a weekend away for goodness sake, he's married," I said " Isn't he worried about Jane finding out?" "I asked him that, he said "he told her he thought I had a crush on him and Jane said I should be so lucky to catch the eye of a man like him." You know Jane, she thinks Monty is perfect. "Spare me please" she groaned into the phone. "Sounds like a real ego trip for him" I said. "But wait, he wasn't done, I saved the best for last. He went onto my Facebook page to post this long tirade about people who can't take constructive criticism and how we are just walking Egos. It was directed straight at me, and all of my contacts saw this weird post and wondered what was up. I finally responded 3 days later with something like he should know. It's been game on ever since. It's gotten to the point where I dread even looking at my computer. (54) All rights reserved T. Milne So, I dropped out of my LinkedIn groups, changed my email again, dropped twitter and Facebook, changed my phone number, I even moved, just to feel safe again." She said finishing her story. "Those all sound like really good proactive decisions. Those are all the things that you'd tell your daughter to do if it was her who was getting bullied on line." I said cheering Kim on. " I never thought of it that way, but your right! If it was Chelsea, I would have encouraged her to do all of those things and I wouldn't have felt bad at all. I've been feeling like a coward . Thanks, that helps a lot. I never thought about adults being bullied, but that's kind of what Monty is doing isn't it?" Kim said, her voice much calmer now. "Yep. No doubt about it. This man is not just a bully, he's what I call an Energy Vampire. In fact I'm gonna name this particular group, The Yellow Bellied Techno Sloths. They are walking Ego Trips, who just kind of hang around on line all day, taking their time ,leaching energy from one person after another by bullying through innuendo and inaccurate statements. When we Nice Guys respond in defence, or try to one up the Vamp, a merry chase ensues. They think it's fun to pick on other people Kim, and they love to take an Ego Trip by feeling superior to the rest of us. Monty does this for a living Kim! I can guarantee you, you are one of many, many other victims." "In my head I know what he says doesn't matter, but in my heart, I'm still bummed out. I can't believe I let his insinuation that I'm not smart enough to get a job bother me so much. Even though I know he's wrong, I keep going over, and over what happened in my head, trying to see if there was another way that it could have gone better. Maybe I should have just gone away with him. The truth is, what he said is still bugging me,because what if he's right?" "Ok," I said stopping her there " lets break this down one more time, keeping in mind that his nasty comments are akin to a carrot dangling in front of Bugs Bunny's nose."Kim laughed out loud, " I remember those cartoons. Poor Bugs" Kim said, "he never could resist the dangling carrot trick." " Right, not any better than a wrongly accused Nice Guy can handle innuendo " I said "What Monty did was go on a hunting expedition. It wasn't personal, per say, he was bored and feeling small, so he reached out and lured you in, to cut you down to size. Why? Because, That's how he feels better about himself, by taking an ego trip of false superiority, over another person he doesn't really know. It makes him feel good. Monty lives on illusion, and he hunts with it too, that's why he hunts on line,Anonymity . His barbs are disguised as "well meaning" input, but they are not, and your core knows it. That's what makes you feel crazy, not listening to your core's wisdom or being unkind with the messages you send yourself and your spirit." (55) All rights reserved T. Milne Then Kim asked, " How can a person who doesn't really know me make a comment that hurts so much?" " Monty took a shot in the dark, and got lucky," I said" or he was paying close enough attention to figure out the qualities that you admire in yourself. In a way, he bites at your Ego, tempts it to defend your Spirit, and by doing so, opens you up for a game of mental cat & mouse. If you didn't secretly fear the idea that his assessment of you is right, if you gave no credit to his lies, his Ego Trap wouldn't work. What he said about your intelligence is preposterous. But if you entertain the idea that he's right, even for one second, it's enough for him to get his energetic claws in for future play time, and send you on an Ego Trip & Fall. He insults you until you to want to engage". "Why, because you are a Nice Guy, and he knows that his comments will offended your sense of right and wrong. He's counting on that. But it's your beliefs about yourself, not his statements, that make the biggest impact on the inside. Thinking unkindly toward yourself drains all of your energetic bodies, Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual. This is what leaves you feeling drained or crazy or both. Communication can be challenging at the best of times, most especially when one party is practicing duplicity. Because internet communication is all just words, the other subtle signals we use as social creatures to discern who is safe to exchange energy & information with, is missing from these interactions. That means we can get bitten easier on line. The real problem is not what he said to you Kim. The problem is what you started saying to yourself." I said gently."Only You have access to You 24/7, no one else holds that distinction. So lets try an exercise called True or False to challenge some of those messages you have been sending yourself that are leaving your Spirit feeling lousy. *Exercise* True or False ask yourself a set of True or False questions to get a clearer perspective of what is real and true for you and what is not. Getting clear inside of yourself first, reduces The Vamp's striking ability and your time on donor status. We began with a question. "True or False, You're not very smart and Monty is right! "False! Kim shouted. "True or false, at some point ,you thought the thought, what if he's right ?" "True, Ya, I started tearing myself apart" Kim admitted, "all that did was perpetuate my need to defend myself more to him". " Right " I said encouragingly, "but deep down, you were really defending yourself, to yourself." " I was?" Kim said sounding uncertain. " Yep, and in doing so you drove your brain train right off the track. (56) All rights reserved T. Milne You drove yourself so far off the track that you forgot who you really are. That's why you feel lost right now. Is that accurate?" I asked. " Ye, lost, sounds about right." Kim said, "so how do we find me & get the train back on track? "Well, you've already made big internal shift just by asking that question" I said. You have been busy beating yourself up for all the things you feel you have done wrong lately, so let's look again, focusing on all the things that you've done right. Ok?"I said. "#1 : You have improved this situation for yourself by setting healthier boundaries that give you back your peace of mind, even though you still kind of doubt yourself right now. #2:You are taking proactive steps to adjust the situation now that you are more aware of who you're dealing with. Remember you are taking reasonable action to unreasonable behaviour. Bravo Kim, that one was the hardest, and easiest shift to make. It's your job to set better boundaries and stick to your No, not another's. So well done." I said cheerfully. "#3 : A quick session of True or False can help you figure out what feels right for You. Write a personally issued permission slip, let it help you take a stand and draw your boundary lines with greater conviction and ease. Become your own authority. #4 : Remember you're not in charge of changing Another's behaviour. It's not your job, or your right any more than it's another's right to try and change you?" "Ya, that one took a bit, but, I got that." Kim said sounding much calmer."Awesome" I said "because that leads to number 5." #5 Honouring Your Right to Your Free Will and being you own personal authority figure is vital to living with a Balanced Ego. We are each free to think, feel, act and believe how we wish, understanding there is a consequence for each choice made. The Nice Guy knows about consequences and accepts them, the Energy Vampire pretends they are exempt from consequences. They play by a different set of rules, and are unwilling not incapable of taking personal responsibility for any harm their choices may cause another. Energy Vampires like Monty, have found a way to make it everyone else's fault, every single time. Zero accountability, that's how they justify their cruelty. But that's their choice, just like being kind is the Nice Guy's choice. You are only in charge of you. Walking away from a bully takes courage and creating safe boundaries is your job and right as an adult individual. They set Ego Traps so they can take Ego Trips." I said gently into the phone. "The Ego Trap works, because the Nice Guy defends themselves or buys into idea that the Vamp might be right". (57) All rights reserved T. Milne Then I said, " So all that's left is, taking another look at yourself, and Monty one more time. Lets look at how Monty got to you in the first place. Part of how he got in, is because he went hunting in a group where people are attempting to share & trust each other, like our wedding party. You were more open in this environment and he intentionally mislead you by changing from his normally crass approach to people to what appeared as his kindness & honestly sharing emotion. You had no way of knowing it was really a fishing expedition for later on in his game, because you try to see the best in people instead of expecting the worst. Monty was counting on that to start his game." "Being Open and vulnerable with an Energy Vampire is like telling a burglar where you hide your spare key. You're helping a crime against yourself go down. But they're often so clever its hard to tell they are an Energy Vamp right away. Now, lets go back and look at how most of the group responded to Monty, not well. None of us like his style of jokingly putting others down. "You said that you were surprised by his positive feedback because up until that point you'd only seen one side of him. His obnoxious side, true? But you 2nd guessed yourself. True?" I asked as gently as I could. "True," Kim said. " And there was even a few weeks where I welcomed his leads. To tell you the truth, I was flattered he was offering so much. So flattered, that I was willing to overlook all the other stuff, like the flirty comments, roaming hands or inappropriate humour. Before I realized what was happening, I had opened myself to this man and was sharing my insecurities with him. Why didn't I stop sooner! I feel so dumb, why did I think I'd be different from everyone else?" she said softly. "Your Ego, that's why." I said simply. "Your Ego wanted to make Monty right . Over all your professors, former bosses, friends, folks, yourself. Ego thinks small & fearful thoughts, it is willing to transform into whatever it has to to get the approval it so desperately seeks. Spirit thinks large & real. Spirit knows your best, owns your best and leads with your best and finest qualities. Every Time. You're in charge of what you believe about yourself, Not Monty, got it?" I said "Yes" she said, " got it!" "Now lets move on to the good stuff, You said you got a few leads of your own. I bet if you followed those leads that you were guided to, you'd find the job you'll really enjoy on all levels. It's up to you to decide who's opinion you value more ,yours or Monty's. When you focus on your best, you tend to lead with your best. It's up to you to catch yourself when you start having those mental conversations that lead you to feel small about yourself. Because self loathing is an Ego Trap! We Trap ourselves by feeling/ believing we are less than good enough. Balanced Ego comes with self acceptance, that means accepting our weaknesses and our strengths. Leading with our strengths while we strengthen our weakness. (58) All rights reserved T. Milne It means agreeing to be the Engineer of our Own Train and no one else's. That is what will get you back on track. If you're chronically thinking of the past you are draining your energy, sending it to moments already done. If you look too far ahead, you can miss opportunities being offered right now. Live in the now, while you get excited about your future. Learn from your past, don't live there. That's the key to keeping your Brain Train on Track, and yourself out of Ego Traps." I said. " Ok, I see what you're saying,and I see where I slipped, I get it." Kim said sounding calm and almost happy once more. " Great," I said, "perspective is everything. So here are some fun easy ways to start feeling better again; -Listen to music that makes you feel good. It automatically and effortlessly resets your vibration. When you are enjoying the music, you are energetically vibrating in Joy. You control the level of your happiness with the feelings you choose to feel . - Go to a comedy club, or rent a funny movie and laugh, laugh, laugh. Laughter is very good medicine. It is scientifically proven to assists our immune system among other things. Laughing is an effective way to,elevate our vibration back up to happy. -Do something you're good at. By acknowledging the things you already do well, it helps you remember to like who you are, and what you have to offer in an authentic way that feels good. - Finally, buy a journal and start journaling your thoughts. This way your expressing yourself in safety, sharing only with those whom you already know are safe as opposed to strangers who may just want to take a bite. - At the back of the journal, keep a section for compliments. Each time you receive a genuine compliment write it in the journal. Look this over every time you start getting down on yourself. Become your own cheerleader and pick yourself up sooner." "To finish off our time together, I'd like to offer you a long distance energy healing Kim". I said finishing up my long pep talk. "It clears your energy bodies, you'll feel better. Want to try, it takes about 10 minutes?" I asked. " Ok," she said, "what do I do?" "I want you to sit back, close your eyes and imagine with me. Imagine that we are in a room together, there's a fireplace on one wall, and a window with white curtains, a water fountain and a plant.It is very peaceful here and you feel very safe. We're each in a chair facing each other. Can you see that?" I asked. "Yep, I can see that." Kim said quietly. " We're in white robes." "Great, now I want you to start thinking of all the thoughts that have been bothering you and imagine them rising up out of your body and away from your skin. (59) All rights reserved T. Milne Imagine the feelings and thoughts look like bubblegum sticking to you, Long gooey strings sticking to to your clothes, skin & hair in long, in black stringy layers." "Ok, I got that, yuck, I look disgusting!" Kim said. Then I said, " Now imagine me standing before you, and placing my hands on top of your head. I'm sending a warm wave of blue energy out through my hands and down your body. Like liquid neon honey it travels weightless and warm, clinging to you and coating you in a soft blanket of blue." Then I said, " Tell me when you get all the way down to your feet, then describe to me what you see,and feel, ok" I asked softly getting very quiet while I worked from across the air waves. " Ok, got it, this looks so beautiful," Kim said, " I see you so clearly now, the light is pouring out of your hands, and all around me, I'm getting really warm. The room we are in is getting brighter. It's all turning bright white, the light coming from your hands is white, now its bursting,like a lightning flash" she said. " Ok, The light is leaving now, it's melting into the floor, and taking the gummy goo with it. It's disappearing, I can see myself again! I'm free!" She shouted into the phone." Oh my God! How did you do that? I can breath again! I don't feel like I have a thousand pounds on my back anymore! I feel, I don't know like dancing , or singing or going out for a night on the town!" Kim said happily. " I'm so glad to hear that worked for you & that you're feeling better. You're a great lady Kim. Just keep your chin up and don't let people like Monty get you down, because they are so not worth it. I pulled a few cards, "follow the lead you were given two weeks ago through LinkedIn, the man with the dark eyes and fuzzy moustache will help you. The timing is perfect, and the company wants someone smart, like you, they can train. Call them! Then call me when you get the job so I can celebrate too, ok?" "Ok, thanks. I'll be in touch." And with that Kim was gone. She called me three days later. She had taken my advice and followed up on that lead. She is now working as a liaison for a company converting their systems. They hired her to help them get their older staff up to new tech standards. She's very happy, and thanked me once again. Sometimes our energy bodies just need some extra clearing or an energy boost. That's where alternative energy healers like me can come in mighty handy. By the time Kate and Mike said their I Do's, Kim had a great job, and Monty out of her life! (60)
All rights reserved T. Milne When The Big Day finally arrived, we were all more than ready for it. Dressed to the nines, everyone in the party looked fabulous, but no one could hold a candle to the Bride & Groom. Kate had cut her hair super short again and had it coloured the most platinum of blondes for her big day. As far as her Mother and Jane were concerned it was "one of the craziest things they had ever seen a bride do, and she was sure to ruin all the pictures with her glowing golden locks." Kate just smiled and said " I guess we'll see won't we?" Before giving them each a kiss on the cheek and walking away from their identically confused faces. She and Mike had a beautiful ceremony, and as it turns out, the flower girl did a great job, despite the fact that she dumped most of her basket of petals right in the middle of the long isle, before sitting down with her Grandpa (who she had spotted in the crowd). Mike been talking to his folks about the idea of moving to California. He told me at the reception that he was looking into a job transfer, so was Kate, they were both excited by the idea of starting their lives together somewhere away from Kate's folks and their not so helpful influence. Kate liked Mike's Mom & Dad and their retirement condo would be closer with this moved. They were both excited by the idea. Though I would miss seeing my friends in person, I gave them both a big hug and wished them the best of luck with making their dreams a reality. I was proud of Kate. She had accepted the fact that her folks would never change, and that its not her job to make them. She had learned she would rather be happy by her definition than theirs, and she let go of the idea that their approval meant more than her approval of herself. Kate had embraced the idea that she was the captain of her own destiny, and had started making choices that pleased her. A big shift in only 5 months! Anything is possible when you believe in your right to live a happy life according to your design. (61) All rights reserved T. Milne Underminers Not Featured The Doomy Gloomer : This Vamp undermines your feeling of safety in your world, with an endless barrage of bad news. Their Favourite call is " Did You Hear The Latest?", and before you can even nod, or grimace, they have launched into a replay of The Worst Stories Ever! These Vamps are afraid of the world around them, and like to find concrete reasons why everyone else should feel the same. The Ego trap gets set if you either a) buy their doom and gloom and become Doomy and Gloomy, or b) energetically shut down to keep from absorbing anything. Both are exhausting behaviours, that feel inauthentic to The Nice Guy. It is often a Nice Guy's politeness that keeps them from screaming " Stop! I don't want to know that stuff!", But it can be harmful to listen, because energetically speaking , once the bad news is in, it stays there for a while and conscious effort is required to release it. There is nothing impolite about saying "I choose what kind of news to give my focus to, I'm sorry it just doesn't interest me, or I just don't want to know about that, please Stop, let's find more pleasant things to speak of" something along those lines This stops the Vamp, and stops you from either absorbing their fear or ignoring them energetically because you don't like what they are saying. Otherwise pleasant people.
The Food Critic; Perfectionist with a twist of Eluder. This Vamp likes to play head games and take superiority complex Ego Trips, by making you feel bad about your cooking skills. Their core message undermines Your Taste, as Their's is Superior and like many Eluders and Perfectionist, their list of expectations and knowledge is invisible, constantly changing, and impossible to meet. A real drag for any host/hostess and any guest unfortunate enough to be joining them that meal. Remember the more seriously you take these Vamps, the more of an Ego trip they can take. My advice, don't cook for these people! Either they cook, or you all go out to eat, (their choice of restaurant) (62) All rights reserved T. Milne
The Queen and King of Gossip These Vamps Love Drama, and undermining confidence. If there is no dish available for their entitled amusement, they'll make some. The Gossip Kings and Queens feed off of misfortune, tragedy, discourse, disaster, and uncertainty. They Love providing misinformation and half truths. If you know one of these vamps, beware! No one is safe, including you. Do not reveal personal information to these people, they'll use it as they wish to get themselves the attention of the one in the know more than any other. Remember the people who really matter, won't believe their lies, and the people that believe them, didn't know you all that well to begin with. Stay true to yourself, and laugh at their antics. Their bites only hurt if you care, or take them seriously. Keep your power for better places and walk away whenever possible. As for Jane, after unsuccessfully trying to ruin Kate's pictures, and dress with a glass of punch aimed right for Kate's bodice. Jane proceeded to pester the Minister,the DJ, the MC, the wedding party & the wait staff before she had to leave the reception suddenly. It seems that after drinking a bit too much champagne, Jane went in search of Monty for a romantic dance. Her plans came to an abrupt and Dramatic halt, upon discovering Monty, in the cloak room ,with a waitress, who seemed to be missing most of her uniform. Oh my! We could hear her tirade from all the way outside as they quarrelled in the parking lot waiting for their cab to arrive and take them home. I secretly felt sorry for the cab driver, but shared that thought with no one else. Poor Jane, I actually felt sorry for her too. Monty was a real piece of work, and I figured Monty probably deserved whatever Jane was about to rain down on his head in retribution for her being so publicly humiliated. I heard through the grape vine, months later that Jane was taking Monty to couple therapy, after all, her mother was right, Jane & Monty really were perfect for each other In the mean time, Jane had moved back into her parents house. I wish them all the best of luck and it is a comfort to know I will never have to see Kate's folks ever again. (62) All rights reserved T. Milne But the lessons they taught me in my short time with them were invaluable. They showed me volumes of information about how energy vampires can hurt us in so many ways and why they do what they do. Of course, there are always more lurking in the wings, but an Enlightened Nice Guy can have the upper hand of an Entitled Energy Vampire as long as we remember one simple rule. To thine own self be true. The rest of the night flew by in a flash, as all good weddings tends to do. Though we all felt a little sorry for Jane, the rest of us, including the Bride and Groom had a blast. It was the maid of honour's date, Jim, who won a hot apple pie from McDonalds for his guess of 342 bites from The Underminer Majors that night. Sometimes, you will encounter the craziest moments, hosted by some craziest and most "energetically imbalanced" people you'll ever meet. In the end it is Love, Laughter and Friendship that can help us all get through the strangest situations energetically intact. Thanks for letting me share these stories of triumph, and should you discover there is an Energy Vampire in your midst, I hope I have been able to give you a few new ways of looking at resolving an old or unhealthy situation. Stay true to yourself. Remember there are more Nice Guys roaming the planet today than there are Energy Vamps. Their breed is dying out, as a new way is embraced and embodied by The Nice Guys of Planet Earth. In the following chapter I have provided a breakdown of the exercises offered throughout the book. As for the gang,Years later, we still keep in touch through Facebook. My skills have expanded over the years as well. On top of long distance & remote Healing, clearings and readings for people, I can also do body scans for illness, and I've even acquired accreditation. For those curious AAHP stands for Accredited Angel Healing Practitioner. I work with Archangel & The Ascended Masters as well as people's personal Guides to help you find the answers & relief you are looking for. The Universe wants us happy, productive & free to live life by our choosing. My goal as a Lightworker is to help men and women from every walk of life, find a way to feel better now, and I Love my work. If you would like a personal private reading or healing session or channeling session with me, contact me at the following http://www.whatcomesnext4u.com or whatcomesnext.channelled.4Uall@gmail.com . It would be my honour and pleasure to work with you. The following pages are a summary of the exercises listed throughout the book. If you have uncovered an energy vampire in your midst I urge you to love yourself enough to let them go as soon as possible.(63)
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Chapter 9: Your Vamp Repellent Tool Kit A summary of exercises & Some important things to remember; By staying aware of the internal conversations that you are holding , you create energy that will attract what you want to come next for you in this grand game of Life. Be nice to yourself first, it all starts within. Remember you have access to your self 24/7. Journaling helps relieve the Brain Train Drain. Write it out. It gets thoughts out of mind and onto paper so you can walk away, from them for a while, and review with a clearer mind. *Exercise * Use as many words as you can think of to describe what would it look like and feel like to have disapproving or hard to please parents, or a disapproving significant relationship, support your choices as an adult instead of knock them down? Where would you feel the most relief knowing their judgement has been removed? Why is your loyalty to them more important than your loyalty to you? What would happen if you became your own authority? PERSONALLY.ISSUED.PERMISSION. SLIPS. These can help You Focus . Write yourself a permission slip to choose what is right for you and resist urge to let others dictate your life to you. It is not Love, it's Conditional Love, and it's hurting you.
Signs You've been an Energy Donor Include -You feel exhausted , but can't sleep, due to constant replay of encounter trying to make sense of it all. "A brain train" begins that looks for explanations and solutions. - feeling down about yourself . Second guessing creates blocks and obstacles. - Feeling the need to chronically defend yourself or a desire to show other person why they are wrong that takes over your minds, hearts & lives. - Becoming over picky or afraid to make a move without consulting others. - Feeling "like a robot" emotions seem to be off limits or weepy all the time. - Feel unacceptable, unlovable, un-anything, forlorn, hopeless, stuck. - headaches ,backaches,stomach aches,sore knees, congestion in sinuses/chest, laryngitis, chronic sore throat ,cold sore, appetite effected, either over or under stimulated. -You are beginning to feel like you're going Nuts!, Don't remember who you are.(64) All rights reserved T. Milne
Remember : Energy Vampires are Self appointed Party Pooper's. These folks love to take the wind out of everyone else's sail, "Because why should we have wind? What makes us so special?" That is the private conversation Energy Vampires have with themselves right before they Strike. If you're unlucky enough to have to Live with one of these Vamps, be careful not to develop such things as "cloth ears", low self esteem ,or a distrust of all people. Many Vamps follow a strike & release pattern, much like the rattlesnake, though some swoop and startle like an owl. Resist urge to defend yourself when possible, laugh often & have tremendous fun not taking them seriously when avoidance is not possible! Place private bets for fun, make it a game.
*Exercise * The True or False Test; WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF A LOVE THAT FEELS GOOD? Many know they want "it" but don't know what "their ideal it" looks like. It's hard to activate something within The Divine Cosmic Soup of Potential when you don't know what you want. Ask questions to self can help you remember the big picture and your whole journey, not just based on one person's evaluation or judgement, but on the whole package, so to speak, the whole you. Your authentic self, the good qualities others who hold affection for you see, acknowledge and honour. Sometimes it can be hard to remember yourself in another way when looking through the cracked lenses of an energy vampire on an ego trip. The sooner you can catch yourself , the better. Find a friend who knows you and cares, or write it out through a journal for greater perspective. Either way, it is your conversation with yourself that counts the most in this equation. The biggest part of the damage is done by yourself, to yourself, long after the incident that began the negative mind chatter in the first place. Actively choosing to release their assessment if it feels unloving to you is a big step forward towards self mastery. We are harder on ourselves then anyone else ever could be for we have 24/7 access to our inner ears and deepest beliefs about ourselves. (65)
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Ego Trip to Ego Trap Ratio There's a two to one ratio when an Ego Trap gets set & an Ego Trip gets started. The Energy Vampire. Verses, The Nice Guy Makes a subtle statement or judgement. /You give this energy some merit, consider they may be right. Pretends to Know Better than you./. You give this energy some merit, you consider they might be right. Pretends They Play By Different Rules./. You give this energy some merit, and pretend that too. Pretends to Be Entitled more than you/. You give this energy some merit, and pretend that too. Pretends You Couldn't Get Along without Them/. You give this energy some merit& pretend that also.
Again you're in charge of the thoughts you allow yourself to entertain. What happens if they're assessment of you is wrong? Become your own champion, and see where previously conceived barriers may be torn down or replaced with healthier boundaries instead.
*Exercise:What Floats Your Boat? Take a piece of paper and write five categories of your life that you love and feel competent in. Why are you good at these things? What are your goals for the year? What are your goals five years from now? Who is your favourite person? What do they have to say about you? What would happen if you could say " Thanks for sharing your opinion, maybe I'll be able to return the favour someday", and leave their ideas where they originated(. In a pile of manure.)? Would you still feel like a Nice Guy? What other things can you say that stand your ground in a nice way. On a scale of one to ten, one being none and ten being lots, how comfortable are you with liking yourself enough not to be swayed by one opinion? What can you tell yourself to make that a ten? (66)
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*Exercise:The History Rewrite : Needed : One empty photo album
This exercise works great for those who want to remember the past in a happier light. Taking a new photo album, place only pictures that evoke happy times or memories. Get as detailed as you'd like, some write stories you remember and include those in the album. Get to the place where you really love your life and move forward with a new capacity to embrace the good. *Exercise: True reflections of Love: Find a person or a pet who simply loves you for you. See all the places where you're already good enough and place your focus there for a while. Do this remembering of your authentic self whenever self doubt creeps in. When Love yourself first, you give Others a great example to follow. You determine where & when change will happen, not another. Laugh Daily, lead with your strengths while you strengthen your weakness'. Journal often. Be in Love with who you are. Write your own permission slips, follow your dreams. Be at Peace and filled with a sense of well being for who you are and all you have to offer. That is why you're here. Be well. Namaste (the God in me acknowledges the God in You) Tracey.
The End.(67) *All rights reserved by Tracey P. Milne 2013.
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All rights reserved T. Milne can be hard to remember yourself in another way when looking through the cracked lenses of an energy vampire on an ego trip. The sooner you can catch yourself , the better. Find a friend who knows you and cares, or write it out through a journal for greater perspective. Either way, it is your conversation with yourself that counts the most in this equation. The biggest part of the damage is done by yourself, to yourself, long after the incident that began the negative mind chatter in the first place. Actively choosing to release their assessment if it feels unloving to you is a big step forward towards self mastery. We are harder on ourselves then anyone else ever could be for we have 24/7 access to our inner ears and deepest beliefs about ourselves. (65)
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